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A mind traveller. Pretty much an abstract and eccentric human being. But overall, a human panda who embraces food as a hobby.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Hold me close.

"Do you think you will miss me when I am gone?" I said looking back at him. 
"Why in the world are you asking me such question?" he gave an irritated look as if he find the question is a ridiculous one. 
"Well, it's a hypothetical question. Just wondering if you do" I still insist on an answer. I guess, cause I wanna know how he feels. 
He keeps quiet for a while and just embrace me tighter. I was surprised by it and well, pretty much just enjoy the presence and how he hold me tighter, which made me feel safe and warm. 

"I don't know. I can't even imagine the situation. I am not ready for that. I can't" as he spoke, he hold me closer and gave a kiss to my forehead. This is when our eyes meet, they say, you can read and tell so many things from another's eyes. It will tell thousand of stories and expressions. For this moment,a sight that tells me, a man that wish to express thousand and thousands of words just to say he loves me, but he can't find even the right one to say it. His eyes is searching through my face, while his hands holding mine and grasping it tighter. I smiled, I smiled to his grasp, to his response. He then kiss my hands and his head was looking down. I didn't do anything but stare at him and choking back tears. Well, to be honest, I feel his need to express it, but even I was lost on how to react. 

"I'm not ready for that" he said.
" for what?" I replied
"To imagine or to think that you will not be here with me" he looked up to me and tried to smile. His eyes, seems to hold back tears. I hold his face and both of us are embracing the moment together. 

"I couldn't imagine it too. I didn't know why I think so. But I know I will miss you even if I can't say a word or look at you, like how I am looking at you right now. I know I will miss your funny jokes and your tricks at me. I miss you endlessly. Know that our memories will be on repeat in my mind" at this point, tears streaming down, I can't help but to cry. I shouldn't have asked this question. It breaks us down. But then again, it was what made us strong to go through the days. 

"Don't go. I know it shouldn't be said, I don't know. It doesn't make sense if I say it. but don't go"
At this moment both of us are holding one another closer, to just not fall down, to hold on stronger like how we used to. We had strength to go through it, and we are holding on tightly but this time even closer. 

"I am sorry. I really do. I tried to. but I don't know if-" he cuts me off and just asked me to rest. He couldn't continue and so do I. 

I cried as I try to sleep, but he comfort me like he always do. The memories and thoughts of us, the thoughts of our children and our everlasting moments keep racing through. I cried thinking, what if one day, I can't think of those thoughts anymore, what if I miss them but I can't say it anymore. They will miss me, but will they know that I miss them deeply? Will they know that I bring along their love and memory with me?

I grasp his hand tighter and kissed his hands, his warm hands. I looked at our wedding rings. 25 years of endless memories, and I couldn't imagine how long more will I have it. Dear husband, our love will not die, my memories are with me when I leave, our picture with the kids will stay close in my heart even if it stop beating. I'm fighting this, till I can't fight no more. 

"I will be with you. I will always miss you, even if you don't ask me, I will miss you" he finally replied and both of us went to sleep, counting down to the dreaded 12 hours to go till surgery time. I close my eyes, with my husband by my side holding close this one memory that stays with me through it all. Both of us went to sleep in each other's presence, embrace and love. 


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