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A mind traveller. Pretty much an abstract and eccentric human being. But overall, a human panda who embraces food as a hobby.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Hold me close.

"Do you think you will miss me when I am gone?" I said looking back at him. 
"Why in the world are you asking me such question?" he gave an irritated look as if he find the question is a ridiculous one. 
"Well, it's a hypothetical question. Just wondering if you do" I still insist on an answer. I guess, cause I wanna know how he feels. 
He keeps quiet for a while and just embrace me tighter. I was surprised by it and well, pretty much just enjoy the presence and how he hold me tighter, which made me feel safe and warm. 

"I don't know. I can't even imagine the situation. I am not ready for that. I can't" as he spoke, he hold me closer and gave a kiss to my forehead. This is when our eyes meet, they say, you can read and tell so many things from another's eyes. It will tell thousand of stories and expressions. For this moment,a sight that tells me, a man that wish to express thousand and thousands of words just to say he loves me, but he can't find even the right one to say it. His eyes is searching through my face, while his hands holding mine and grasping it tighter. I smiled, I smiled to his grasp, to his response. He then kiss my hands and his head was looking down. I didn't do anything but stare at him and choking back tears. Well, to be honest, I feel his need to express it, but even I was lost on how to react. 

"I'm not ready for that" he said.
" for what?" I replied
"To imagine or to think that you will not be here with me" he looked up to me and tried to smile. His eyes, seems to hold back tears. I hold his face and both of us are embracing the moment together. 

"I couldn't imagine it too. I didn't know why I think so. But I know I will miss you even if I can't say a word or look at you, like how I am looking at you right now. I know I will miss your funny jokes and your tricks at me. I miss you endlessly. Know that our memories will be on repeat in my mind" at this point, tears streaming down, I can't help but to cry. I shouldn't have asked this question. It breaks us down. But then again, it was what made us strong to go through the days. 

"Don't go. I know it shouldn't be said, I don't know. It doesn't make sense if I say it. but don't go"
At this moment both of us are holding one another closer, to just not fall down, to hold on stronger like how we used to. We had strength to go through it, and we are holding on tightly but this time even closer. 

"I am sorry. I really do. I tried to. but I don't know if-" he cuts me off and just asked me to rest. He couldn't continue and so do I. 

I cried as I try to sleep, but he comfort me like he always do. The memories and thoughts of us, the thoughts of our children and our everlasting moments keep racing through. I cried thinking, what if one day, I can't think of those thoughts anymore, what if I miss them but I can't say it anymore. They will miss me, but will they know that I miss them deeply? Will they know that I bring along their love and memory with me?

I grasp his hand tighter and kissed his hands, his warm hands. I looked at our wedding rings. 25 years of endless memories, and I couldn't imagine how long more will I have it. Dear husband, our love will not die, my memories are with me when I leave, our picture with the kids will stay close in my heart even if it stop beating. I'm fighting this, till I can't fight no more. 

"I will be with you. I will always miss you, even if you don't ask me, I will miss you" he finally replied and both of us went to sleep, counting down to the dreaded 12 hours to go till surgery time. I close my eyes, with my husband by my side holding close this one memory that stays with me through it all. Both of us went to sleep in each other's presence, embrace and love. 


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Flying high, away from sight

When you're Gone - Avril Lavigne

It was 5am, the typical time for sahur with my family. Usually, the television would play either the movie channels or Al-Hijrah/Astro Oasis. Still with my sleepy eyes, I saw blurred images of what look like a burned vehicle. I sat down to eat, and heard my mother repeatedly saying "Ya Allah kesiannya". I continue to eat, thinking it was nothing, as I slept quite early the night before, hence why I was very much clueless, till I responded to the commotion from my family, only to know that MH17 crashed in Ukraine. 

It took me half an hour to digest that information. I thought it was a joke, I kept watching the news but in my head thinking "no way lah. No way". Unfortunately, it is. I looked through the social media to know that everything is true. I waited anxiously to know the passengers and crews list, as I have my relatives and friends part of the Malaysia Airlines crew. Alhamdullilah, none of them are in the list. Still, it doesn't make me feel better at all, as I know someone out there have lost their loved ones. 

No words can comfort, no words can bring the ones affected at ease. For all I know, I just want to hug them and give them support anyway I can. It was a loss to them, and definitely a loss to all of us Malaysians. The tragedy of MH370 is still recent, our wounds are still fresh, however, who are we to change fate, MH17 followed suit. Too much loss at a short time, at one time in a year. Malaysians were strike hard again. This tragedy has brought Malaysians together, holding hands and lending shoulders to one another. We lost our Malaysian brothers and sisters in the tragedy. Our heart ache and cry on this loss. 

To me 298 numbers of passengers where just vague numbers, however, this morning, the moment I saw an article of the interactive seat map from Wall Street Journal, I was speechless. It was too painful to go through each seats inside the plane, to know such numbers, to know such people loss to an act of an irresponsible party. Due to violence and war, these innocent souls were taken away from their loved ones. 

To this very day, the moment I saw images of the crash site and photos of the passengers aired on television, I can't help but to shed tears at this loss. Too much pain and grief that the families have to go through at one time. justice must be served, and when the culprit is found, they must be responsible for this cruel act of taking away these lives. The lives of people who look forward to a time with their loved ones, the lives of people who wants to come home for Eid Celebration, these lives are the ones that bring love and laughter to their family, now gone from sight. They are in a better place, they fly higher now. We feel your grief and pain. Together we will put our thoughts and prayers for this victims. 

My heartfelt condolences to the families of the passenger on board MH17 and MH370. You will always be remembered. 

P/s: Let us not forget, our Muslim brothers and sisters fighting for their lives in Gaza. 400 or more of them who became the victim to an inhumane Zionists that kills merciless. May God protect them and lets find way to help the Gazans anyway we can.