Friday, December 5, 2014
So yeah. I needed new papers. It's time to close this part of life and begin a new one.
I'll try to make it ever more interesting and less of....words.
Again. I said. I'll try.
Which...seems. Possible enough.
I'll see you guys on that other side of the words!
Monday, November 10, 2014
“When I was on, I was on stage and I was thinking of…I felt like I know, I know him though and I know his heart and I know what he wouldn’t do to hurt me. But I didn’t realize that feeling so confident, feeling so great about myself, and then it just be completely shattered by one thing, by something so stupid. But then you make me feel crazy, you make me feel like it’s my fault I was in pain.” - Selena Gomez
The hardest part of being yourself, is when others look up to you cause you are this superwoman. When that vision is embedded to you, it is like you are not allowed to be vulnerable, to be human. You are not allowed to share a tear. You are not allowed to make mistakes. You are not allowed to fall. That, people, is the hardest part of living, when you are a superwoman to others, but really to your eyes and God, you are His slave and an imperfect human being.
Monday, September 22, 2014
"No hardship strikes except by the permission of Allah. And whoever believes in Allah- He will guide his heart." [Surat al-Taghaabun: 11]
A Reflection: Hardship does not befall you except that Allah knows that you can handle it. If you show Him contentment, He will expedite His relief. (Quran Weekly FB Page)
God equipped you well enough before sending the calamity your way.(Mohamed Zeyara's)
Thursday, August 14, 2014
One of America's funniest, witty and brilliant man in comedy. He brought endless memories especially to the children coming from the 80s and 90s. Even adults love him for his talents. He didn't only bring funny but also emotional, strong and inspirational characters through his movies. Yesterday, was a day of tragic loss to the world of comedy. I don't idolize him, but when I see or hear Robin Williams, I can imagine a smile through my face forming immediately. I adore him for his roles in Aladdin, Mrs Doubtfire, Jumanji, Patch Adams, and Whose Line Is It Anyway (one of the best episodes with Robin in it, cause I was laughing throughout) will cross through my mind. It saddens me so much, to know that he ended his life away due to depression.
Depression is a serious matter. It is in no way similar to PMS (really it's not funny to relate it with this), or any normal stress level. It's the state where you just struggle to stay alive. You are eating for the sake of energy. You smile just because you don't want people to keep asking why. You talk only when you need to. You meet people just so that you can search another reason to stay alive the next day.
When in reality, all you want to do is hide away from people and stop feeling anything; sad, crying, happy, gloomy, tense. All you want to do is just to stop feeling, because you don't know what is going on, and you know you need help. You know. But you also know that the moment you try to open the door to people, they will judge you. They know it's ridiculous that YOU of all people (lets assume you are similar to Robin) the joy of joy, is having a problem. The moment you do open up, there will be sentence like
"i think you are making a big deal out of this"
"i think this isn't even an issue"
and the most famous line,
"dude, someone else have even bigger problems than yours".
These are some of the reason that people with depression hides away their pain, not realizing that it eats them up and kills them slowly, until one point their life just went away, even though they don't want to. It's not an easy battle. Definitely, the worse battle to strive living another day with these thoughts haunting you. It's shocking to know that maybe your happiest friend are the one facing depression, and you don't have a clue about it, because all you see is the outer part of them. Well, they can't afford to make themselves happy, so what they can do is to make others smile and not feel the same way they do. They are the people that understand the meaning of being at the lowest level of yourself, and they will try to help, eventhough you are a stranger. But they have forgotten how to help themselves. These people need help, but they have forgotten to ask for it because they are as scared as anybody are.
How do I know all of these?
Because I faced it too. I am one of these people. But I am thankful and grateful to God, I have guidance in every way to breathe another day thinking about the very things that life has to offer. Though I will not lie when I say, I do need help here and there and still walking a slow pace. It's not a bad disease, nobody ask for it, as all of us are human, there is so much one can take.
Here I stand, to tell you, humans live to coexists. Nobody wants to be alone and can afford to be alone. Remember after today, to look at your side, look at your friend and tell him/her that you are there for all that matters. Tell em your shoulders are there to lean on, your ears are there to listen and you are there to walk with them, eventhough you have no idea what they are going through, but when they are ready, you are there to walk with them to rediscover the world in a better place. You have no idea how that support might just save a life.
Dear Robin Williams,
You taught us much. You also raised an awareness on depression.
Your life ends, but I know in the future, people will remember to save other's life through words of support, joy and happiness.
You will be missed.
You're free now Genie.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Steady dear heart.
God is testing how steady your sweet heart can go.
How strong it is beating, when truthfully its tearing apart. How the ache tries to stoop you down, when you need to walk.
It kills this beating heart to know, that it has to walk on slowly. Beating to the same rhythm, as the other side.
This space has two hearts, the other side is beating to a fast rhythm, while the other tries to cope with the beat.
All it ends up doing is falling.
This hearts need to breathe together.
That there is only one rhythm.
So steady dear heart.
Dont give up.
It's a test. Keep beating. Be w him.
May God guide you to beat stronger.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Sunday, June 29, 2014
May this blessed journey be a wonderful one for all of us.
Before I end this, Here are some things I wish to leave a message.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Today I feel a pain in the heart.
Sort of an ache. I refuse to feel the pain. But then I feel my eyes started to gather lil teardrops.
My mind is pushing the ache away, but my heart is sending out a signal to every part of me telling me it is hurting.
It's nothing really. The reason behind to why I feel so today. To be honest, it is a small thing.
But somehow, I feel like the starting point of yesterday, hit the point where all the aches before this was hidden.
Suddenly, it starts back the wound that I keep to myself. I don't know whether I should stop feeling so, and just heal it back, by myself, on my own like I always do.
Just let it be and acknowledge it for a while. Let the pain feel for itself and let it remind me that sometimes, I can't afford to heal it on my own. That it is okay to feel so.
Sometimes you can forgive. But to forget is the hardest.
How can you forget when you feel the pain?
I feel such pain and I end up staring long down the road, thinking if I should just put the pain away, or gather up the courage and just heal it on my own. Like I always do.
Sometimes its funny how much love can make you go through lengths.
How love can let you hurt and yet you still go on with it, it hurts but you keep loving.
To be honest, love is never a rainbow and sprinkles.
But this love brings you to your feet and tell you, that someway somehow, it's just bumps and you will make it through. Not alone. Not alone. But right there with the one that holds you strongly next to him.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Wanna know how sad I am ? Sad referring to me being a pathetic soul.
Listening to the sound of the beach on spotify.
and imagine i am there and then cry when i open my eyes i am at the office
I need a break from life. haven't visit the beach properly since last year T_T
Sunday, June 8, 2014
I was never this "manja" neither was I a distance freak. But I turned one the moment I am with him. Suprisingly, he stays and love me still. He amazed me in so many ways, when I thought I was suppose to guide him through this relationship thingy, since as quoted "you are way more experienced than me" by him.
I am so bad with distance. I guess there is a reason why, I am here staying close to him. God knows am that bad with distance. He is The Most Merciful. He knows best. Right now, I miss that boy.
And my emotions go haywire at this moment.
I am suprised on how love can turn us to be so human. When love turns you into a human, thats when you know you are confident being yourself. Only God knows how hard it is that both of us are going through our days till the time comes. People can judge, but we are the one passing through each day, holding one another through it all. May God bless us and to all others out there, it will be hard now, but stay strong, as one day it will be worth it.
P/s: our fights will be ours. Others need not to understand, as long as we and Him know how it is
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Since work started. I have lack of sleep. 35km away from home every day.
DUDE. aku tak biasa lagi.
So currently, enjoying every bits of the weekend till Monday.
Oh no, don't get me wrong. I love my job. It is just that with work, we have this long-distance relationship.
I have to drive 35km just to be in love with work. Darn.
So if any of you people know anybody who is finding for a roomate living in Bangi or Putrajaya. Beep me in the comment box. I can't take the distance. SO SLEEPY.
Oh le beau is going away merantauing utara to Melaka this coming two weeks for his uni programme. Imma krai myself now and count the calendar till he is in the same state as me.
Yeah, mengada liddat. Will update properly soon. Ciao.
p/s: brain is producing some literature piece. So watch this space.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Truthfully speaking. I am not at my best state. It has been going on for the past three weeks. I keep feeling tired way early than it is suppose to be. Tired even when I had enough rest. I feel the pressure of being the place where the house finds me to lean on.
What makes it more worse, I have keep it deep inside. Scared of the judgements made by people. Even by the ones close to me. I am scared that they will call me weak. When truth be told, I am breaking piece by piece. But cause I am now known to most by the strong one, even as I am sick and breaking, like it or not I have to stay strong and look strong.
My mind is tortured, my emotions are concealed, my insides are dying slowly.
They say I am independent and I can survive. But I can only do so much, because truth be told, I am a human, not a superman.
God, I lean on you. Because I need not to tell you or explain how I am. And You never judge me. Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim. Mend me. Help me. Put me in one piece so I can be alive.
Monday, March 3, 2014
"God is fair. Your life, if it is full of candy, it will be too sweet. Too sweet that you feel it is too much to live, that nothing is real anymore. So the sour in life, the bitter parts help to balance it. So you'll savour the sweet part more. God is fair. Be patient"
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Today I like to say am very lucky. I've been lucky since the day I met him.
No matter our ups and down. I learn to love better, live better and smile better.
It will be a rough road till the day comes. But for now, we start to treasure the very sweet little things.
I believe everything will be worth while when the day finally comes.
Because only the both of us knows, what we went through
P/s: Always 'Lucky'
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
The essence of life. The spirit of life. Everyone of us falls in love and falls out of love. But this very essence, either helps us to stand tall or take us away on our feet and fall straight to the ground. Nevertheless, each one of us loves, for a reason. God, family, loved ones and friends. This will drives us to live and breathe and smile every single day. Love the power that tells us, life will be worth it, breathing will be as clear as taking in the fresh air of the day and smiling will be endless. Live everyday, tell ourselves that we love ourselves and then loving others. But never forget to hold The great love to The One that brings us to this world with His permission. The root of love comes from The One that never stopped loving us even though we turned away many times. When I am typing this, suddenly life seems easy. Suddenly life make sense. Love is the very essence of living, breathing and smiling.
I stand today, writing this to tell people out there, who is searching everyday for a will to drive through every challenges that they face. The moment you feel like everything seems hard, and you are at the verge of giving up. Don't. Believe that every hardship will have the happy ending.
I stand today telling you, that if you believe that you can go far. You'll be surprise of how He takes very good care of you. You only have to believe and keep loving. Because like you, I fall so often, but I tell myself, there will be good in every bad, and I never lost hope. And clearly, I am smiling at the end of the day, right now, hoping that each one of you finds the will to believe and live stronger. I know I found mine, and not letting go and keep loving will always drives me to live better.
So, begin to love Him, The One that loves endlessly and giving us this permission to love others. Then, take the next step to love ourselves before others. You'll be surprise how love can take you far, far in life. Easy to breathe and smiling without a doubt while standing strong on the ground with the ones you love.
p/s: Love. Goes a long way.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Even pain can't make you to cry, and words can't even describe properly how the tortured feeling is?
All that is left for you to feel is just..pain and empty.
Pain is when the heart is ripping every moment, even when you don't ask for it. The open wound keeps on hurting and knives keep on forcing through.
Empty because you are too broken to even know the difference of being happy and being sad. You smile for the sake of facial movements and to satisfy people.
Tears doesn't exists anymore, because you got used to the pain that even tears can't help to soothe you.
For a second you feel like the world is shunning you away.
Truth is, your heart is starting to shun it's way, from pain.
But the miracle thing about love is. Love makes you to go past through the pain, to believe that it will bring you up and bring you closer.
Love and pain. How can love feel the pain? How can pain exists in love?
Friday, February 14, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
They say hearts can speak even as distance separates.
Heart is breaking. But I fight through it all, every day to tell the one I love, I am standing strong.
I need help.
I need help.
I need help.
God please help me through.
I am fighting for someone I believe that means everything to me.
p/s : i need to breathe
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
I love to believe everytime I do something, you will be there to tell me it is wrong, it is something you'll laugh at or something you'll smile at. I walk every pace with you next to me. Even as it is, I never walked any pace faster nor slower, but my pace remains the same with you next to me.
But here I am alive.
Here I am with my eyes open.