About Me

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A mind traveller. Pretty much an abstract and eccentric human being. But overall, a human panda who embraces food as a hobby.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Scribbbly scribs

I shifted to a new place to rant.


So yeah. I needed new papers. It's time to close this part of life and begin a new one.
I'll try to make it ever more interesting and less of....words.
Again. I said. I'll try.
Which...seems. Possible enough.

I'll see you guys on that other side of the words!


Monday, November 10, 2014

The Heart Does Want What it Wants.

Now Playing : The Heart Wants What It Wants - Selena Gomez
“When I was on, I was on stage and I was thinking of…I felt like I know, I know him though and I know his heart and I know what he wouldn’t do to hurt me. But I didn’t realize that feeling so confident, feeling so great about myself, and then it just be completely shattered by one thing, by something so stupid. But then you make me feel crazy, you make me feel like it’s my fault I was in pain.” - Selena Gomez
 You don't have to wait to be in her condition to feel so. It's one of those phase in life, all of us went through. The phase that scarred us, that leave us in the most darkest moment of our life. We had no one to turn around, because everyone just keep on shutting you out, and lashing out judgements and advices that seems so easy to them, but heartbreaking for us to do. The pain was with us, for us, and for us alone to feel. 

I really love her song, currently, I lost count on how many times I am repeating it. I love to hear the intro to her song, with her confession. It's so raw and so vulnerable. That instant, you know the song is not for commercial purpose, not that song that would just be there to make money, but it's a confession. It's like releasing that inner part of you to others.

The hardest part of being yourself, is when others look up to you cause you are this superwoman. When that vision is embedded to you, it is like you are not allowed to be vulnerable, to be human. You are not allowed to share a tear. You are not allowed to make mistakes. You are not allowed to fall. That, people, is the hardest part of living, when you are a superwoman to others, but really to your eyes and God, you are His slave and an imperfect human being. 

I have to say, I love this song of her. Well, it's not a grammy award winning type of song. But it definitely touch others in a personal aspect. It is more closely related to everyone who went through shits, in defending what they believe is right. My last words will be, it is always okay to be vulnerable, to be human, to be imperfect, to cry. It is okay. These words are the words I repeat to myself everytime, for countless of times, cause sometimes, even I forgot that I am no superwoman. 

Monday, September 22, 2014

Have faith. Always

You might be reading this. As I know there is a link to my blog at my Facebook. 

Yes I am staying. Yes I am putting my foot down and saying, I will stay right beside him. Where I did few years back, and so I will go on the next years to come. None will set us apart, unless God says so. For all the things you did, I thank you. I thank you for trying to reach out to me. I am blessed to know that God put down such calamity to both of us. The hardest by far, but only both of us know the struggle. The tears, the strength both of us put through. I still see in his eyes, this man who wanted to become better in every steps of the way. And he is asking me to walk along next to him. So I will. I made my choice long ago, and it wont change. 

None have the rights to judge others. It might seem petty to one, but it is everything to them. Today, I faced the hours with every part trying to break down, but I gain strength every time I recall the moments of me and him sharing laughters, even after we shared tears on what has come upon us. We even share the same imagination of picturing our future together with our children running around, as we see families that passed by us. It has always been our dream to build a family together, and we still will (insya Allah). 

There is pros and cons having a good memory. I remember so well how his eyes told me that he cares about us so much, even words can never explain as best as how he looked at me. That moment I knew, the calamity came to us for a reason. But it kills to know that I remember so well how the pain hurts. Alhamdullilah, I am not alone, as I know, it is hard for him too. We are holding hands together, walking towards the moment we will be one. 

I realized that I kept complaining and get frustrated when I see my friends wed off so easily, whilst I am struggling here. I have no right to do so. Judging them, and saying they are lucky, but only they and God knows what hell they had to go through just to be husband and wife. But, I am thankful this came before we are married. God loves those who keep Him in their daily lives. I told Him many times to look over the both of us. And He did, part of this test is to keep us prepared for the real life of marriage. Not once have I thought this is a curse. Funny thing is, today, everytime I felt like breaking down, randomly, I saw surahs/hadiths/advices that told me He tested us for a reason. Have faith. Wallahi, I cried. Because He listens to the whispers in my heart. I felt bad for being weak too fast. But I realize now. He is always with you. He needs not wait for you to tell Him. He knows. 
"No hardship strikes except by the permission of Allah. And whoever believes in Allah- He will guide his heart." [Surat al-Taghaabun: 11]

A Reflection: Hardship does not befall you except that Allah knows that you can handle it. If you show Him contentment, He will expedite His relief. (Quran Weekly FB Page)
God equipped you well enough before sending the calamity your way.(Mohamed Zeyara's)  
So, here I am, standing still, right where I was before and not moving. I will be by his side till whenever He allows me to. I am no superhero. I agree. I feel the pain. But this pain, will worth the fight to a win that both of us will treasure. 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Robin Williams and Depression

One of America's funniest, witty and brilliant man in comedy. He brought endless memories especially to the children coming from the 80s and 90s. Even adults love him for his talents. He didn't only bring funny but also emotional, strong and inspirational characters through his movies. Yesterday, was a day of tragic loss to the world of comedy. I don't idolize him, but when I see or hear Robin Williams, I can imagine a smile through my face forming immediately. I adore him for his roles in Aladdin, Mrs Doubtfire, Jumanji, Patch Adams, and Whose Line Is It Anyway (one of the best episodes with Robin in it, cause I was laughing throughout) will cross through my mind. It saddens me so much, to know that he ended his life away due to depression.

Depression is a serious matter. It is in no way similar to PMS (really it's not funny to relate it with this), or any normal stress level. It's the state where you just struggle to stay alive. You are eating for the sake of energy. You smile just because you don't want people to keep asking why. You talk only when you need to. You meet people just so that you can search another reason to stay alive the next day. 

When in reality, all you want to do is hide away from people and stop feeling anything; sad, crying, happy, gloomy, tense. All you want to do is just to stop feeling, because you don't know what is going on, and you know you need help. You know. But you also know that the moment you try to open the door to people, they will judge you. They know it's ridiculous that YOU of all people (lets assume you are similar to Robin) the joy of joy, is having a problem. The moment you do open up, there will be sentence like 

"i think you are making a big deal out of this"  


"i think this isn't even an issue" 

and the most famous line,

"dude, someone else have even bigger problems than yours". 

These are some of the reason that people with depression hides away their pain, not realizing that it eats them up and kills them slowly, until one point their life just went away, even though they don't want to. It's not an easy battle. Definitely, the worse battle to strive living another day with these thoughts haunting you. It's shocking to know that maybe your happiest friend are the one facing depression, and you don't have a clue about it, because all you see is the outer part of them. Well, they can't afford to make themselves happy, so what they can do is to make others smile and not feel the same way they do. They are the people that understand the meaning of being at the lowest level of yourself, and they will try to help, eventhough you are a stranger. But they have forgotten how to help themselves. These people need help, but they have forgotten to ask for it because they are as scared as anybody are. 

How do I know all of these? 
Because I faced it too. I am one of these people. But I am thankful and grateful to God, I have guidance in every way to breathe another day thinking about the very things that life has to offer. Though I will not lie when I say, I do need help here and there and still walking a slow pace. It's not a bad disease, nobody ask for it, as all of us are human, there is so much one can take. 

Here I stand, to tell you, humans live to coexists. Nobody wants to be alone and can afford to be alone. Remember after today, to look at your side, look at your friend and tell him/her that you are there for all that matters. Tell em your shoulders are there to lean on, your ears are there to listen and you are there to walk with them, eventhough you have no idea what they are going through, but when they are ready, you are there to walk with them to rediscover the world in a better place. You have no idea how that support might just save a life. 

Dear Robin Williams, 
You taught us much. You also raised an awareness on depression.
Your life ends, but I know in the future, people will remember to save other's life through words of support, joy and happiness.
You will be missed. 
You're free now Genie.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014


Steady dear heart.
God is testing how steady your sweet heart can go.
How strong it is beating, when truthfully its tearing apart. How the ache tries to stoop you down, when you need to walk.

It kills this beating heart to know, that it has to walk on slowly. Beating to the same rhythm, as the other side.
This space has two hearts, the other side is beating to a fast rhythm, while the other tries to cope with the beat.
All it ends up doing is falling.

This hearts need to breathe together.
That there is only one rhythm.
So steady dear heart.
Dont give up.
It's a test. Keep beating. Be w him.
May God guide you to beat stronger.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Hold me close.

"Do you think you will miss me when I am gone?" I said looking back at him. 
"Why in the world are you asking me such question?" he gave an irritated look as if he find the question is a ridiculous one. 
"Well, it's a hypothetical question. Just wondering if you do" I still insist on an answer. I guess, cause I wanna know how he feels. 
He keeps quiet for a while and just embrace me tighter. I was surprised by it and well, pretty much just enjoy the presence and how he hold me tighter, which made me feel safe and warm. 

"I don't know. I can't even imagine the situation. I am not ready for that. I can't" as he spoke, he hold me closer and gave a kiss to my forehead. This is when our eyes meet, they say, you can read and tell so many things from another's eyes. It will tell thousand of stories and expressions. For this moment,a sight that tells me, a man that wish to express thousand and thousands of words just to say he loves me, but he can't find even the right one to say it. His eyes is searching through my face, while his hands holding mine and grasping it tighter. I smiled, I smiled to his grasp, to his response. He then kiss my hands and his head was looking down. I didn't do anything but stare at him and choking back tears. Well, to be honest, I feel his need to express it, but even I was lost on how to react. 

"I'm not ready for that" he said.
" for what?" I replied
"To imagine or to think that you will not be here with me" he looked up to me and tried to smile. His eyes, seems to hold back tears. I hold his face and both of us are embracing the moment together. 

"I couldn't imagine it too. I didn't know why I think so. But I know I will miss you even if I can't say a word or look at you, like how I am looking at you right now. I know I will miss your funny jokes and your tricks at me. I miss you endlessly. Know that our memories will be on repeat in my mind" at this point, tears streaming down, I can't help but to cry. I shouldn't have asked this question. It breaks us down. But then again, it was what made us strong to go through the days. 

"Don't go. I know it shouldn't be said, I don't know. It doesn't make sense if I say it. but don't go"
At this moment both of us are holding one another closer, to just not fall down, to hold on stronger like how we used to. We had strength to go through it, and we are holding on tightly but this time even closer. 

"I am sorry. I really do. I tried to. but I don't know if-" he cuts me off and just asked me to rest. He couldn't continue and so do I. 

I cried as I try to sleep, but he comfort me like he always do. The memories and thoughts of us, the thoughts of our children and our everlasting moments keep racing through. I cried thinking, what if one day, I can't think of those thoughts anymore, what if I miss them but I can't say it anymore. They will miss me, but will they know that I miss them deeply? Will they know that I bring along their love and memory with me?

I grasp his hand tighter and kissed his hands, his warm hands. I looked at our wedding rings. 25 years of endless memories, and I couldn't imagine how long more will I have it. Dear husband, our love will not die, my memories are with me when I leave, our picture with the kids will stay close in my heart even if it stop beating. I'm fighting this, till I can't fight no more. 

"I will be with you. I will always miss you, even if you don't ask me, I will miss you" he finally replied and both of us went to sleep, counting down to the dreaded 12 hours to go till surgery time. I close my eyes, with my husband by my side holding close this one memory that stays with me through it all. Both of us went to sleep in each other's presence, embrace and love. 


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Flying high, away from sight

When you're Gone - Avril Lavigne

It was 5am, the typical time for sahur with my family. Usually, the television would play either the movie channels or Al-Hijrah/Astro Oasis. Still with my sleepy eyes, I saw blurred images of what look like a burned vehicle. I sat down to eat, and heard my mother repeatedly saying "Ya Allah kesiannya". I continue to eat, thinking it was nothing, as I slept quite early the night before, hence why I was very much clueless, till I responded to the commotion from my family, only to know that MH17 crashed in Ukraine. 

It took me half an hour to digest that information. I thought it was a joke, I kept watching the news but in my head thinking "no way lah. No way". Unfortunately, it is. I looked through the social media to know that everything is true. I waited anxiously to know the passengers and crews list, as I have my relatives and friends part of the Malaysia Airlines crew. Alhamdullilah, none of them are in the list. Still, it doesn't make me feel better at all, as I know someone out there have lost their loved ones. 

No words can comfort, no words can bring the ones affected at ease. For all I know, I just want to hug them and give them support anyway I can. It was a loss to them, and definitely a loss to all of us Malaysians. The tragedy of MH370 is still recent, our wounds are still fresh, however, who are we to change fate, MH17 followed suit. Too much loss at a short time, at one time in a year. Malaysians were strike hard again. This tragedy has brought Malaysians together, holding hands and lending shoulders to one another. We lost our Malaysian brothers and sisters in the tragedy. Our heart ache and cry on this loss. 

To me 298 numbers of passengers where just vague numbers, however, this morning, the moment I saw an article of the interactive seat map from Wall Street Journal, I was speechless. It was too painful to go through each seats inside the plane, to know such numbers, to know such people loss to an act of an irresponsible party. Due to violence and war, these innocent souls were taken away from their loved ones. 

To this very day, the moment I saw images of the crash site and photos of the passengers aired on television, I can't help but to shed tears at this loss. Too much pain and grief that the families have to go through at one time. justice must be served, and when the culprit is found, they must be responsible for this cruel act of taking away these lives. The lives of people who look forward to a time with their loved ones, the lives of people who wants to come home for Eid Celebration, these lives are the ones that bring love and laughter to their family, now gone from sight. They are in a better place, they fly higher now. We feel your grief and pain. Together we will put our thoughts and prayers for this victims. 

My heartfelt condolences to the families of the passenger on board MH17 and MH370. You will always be remembered. 

P/s: Let us not forget, our Muslim brothers and sisters fighting for their lives in Gaza. 400 or more of them who became the victim to an inhumane Zionists that kills merciless. May God protect them and lets find way to help the Gazans anyway we can. 


Sunday, June 29, 2014

Ramadhan Kareem

Salam Ramadhan to my brothers and sisters :)

May this blessed journey be a wonderful one for all of us.

The first day of Ramadhan and here I am posting a long post after so many (endless) delays. Thank God it is Sunday so I get to fully enjoy the first day with my family.

So what is Ramadhan? Why is every Muslims in the world anticipating this month of fasting? 
Abstaining from food and drinks ? Some people wonder, why do we anticipate this?

Ramadhan is more than just abstaining from food and drinks. It is the journey towards a better ummah and individual. One not only abstain from food but also abstaining from bad behaviour. During the month of Ramadhan, syaitan (satan) is chained every single one of em, the big and the small. What is left of Ramadhan? Full blessings and only you. Yes. YOU and ONLY YOU, are the reason to your every bad behaviour. You start to realize 

"Masya Allah, how did I do such things? Syaitan is not around, and I could do such things?"

When you realize this, then you start to act in performing better deed. This is right. You realize at this month, the need for you to stop everything and performing deeds become easier as ever. But that does not mean, you do all this once a year. Ramadhan is not the month of training, it is the month where we can enjoy doing such positive acts without a problem. Ramadhan is actually our freedom month. Where we can happily be the Muslim and Muslimah that we dreamed of. The other months are the training months, that teach you to fight off the syaitans and most importantly yourself. 

To some, Ramadhan acts as platform towards becoming a better person. It's okay. Begin now if you are on your way. If you have that niat in you, then start it. I will be the first person to support you and endorse you to chase this blessed month. 

Wallahi, I feel such at ease when Ramadhan comes. Do you feel like when Ramadhan arrives, you feel so secure and so complete. It's like Allah SWT has wrapped a blanket to all of His loved slaves, and He does not discriminate. Aren't we ever so lucky to feel this joy? Alhamdullilah. I am blessed to have this chance to be here with my 24th time of Ramadhan. 

As I type this post, I can't help but to hold back tears of happiness and blessed journey. I am so happy to be given a chance to celebrate Ramadhan with the people I love and to feel it again eventhough I have experienced it numerous times, and to know that each Ramadhan I am given such opportunity to be a better Muslim. So here I type this post, to wish all my brothers and sisters a splendid journey ahead. 

Before I end this, Here are some things I wish to leave a message. 

-Whenever you feel like you have the feel to do something negative, hold back and think, I have no one to blame but myself. No syaitans no influence, what is left is me. Am I really sure about this?

There is no one but yourself that walks towards the path of Jannah or Jahanam. Straighten up your path. Let the compass of His blessings guide you, and make steps that lead you to the right journey.

Ramadhan Mubarak everyone! It's just so good to be back!

p/s: Dear Ramadhan, welcome home :)

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

White Horse

Today I feel a pain in the heart.
Sort of an ache. I refuse to feel the pain. But then I feel my eyes started to gather lil teardrops.
My mind is pushing the ache away, but my heart is sending out a signal to every part of me telling me it is hurting.
It's nothing really. The reason behind to why I feel so today. To be honest, it is a small thing.
But somehow, I feel like the starting point of yesterday, hit the point where all the aches before this was hidden.
Suddenly, it starts back the wound that I keep to myself. I don't know whether I should stop feeling so, and just heal it back, by myself, on my own like I always do.
Just let it be and acknowledge it for a while. Let the pain feel for itself and let it remind me that sometimes, I can't afford to heal it on my own. That it is okay to feel so.

Sometimes you can forgive. But to forget is the hardest.
How can you forget when you feel the pain?
I feel such pain and I end up staring long down the road, thinking if I should just put the pain away, or gather up the courage and just heal it on my own. Like I always do.
Sometimes its funny how much love can make you go through lengths.
How love can let you hurt and yet you still go on with it, it hurts but you keep loving.
To be honest, love is never a rainbow and sprinkles.
But this love brings you to your feet and tell you, that someway somehow, it's just bumps and you will make it through. Not alone. Not alone. But right there with the one that holds you strongly next to him.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Need escape

I need a holiday. Lets just go and find a beach and stay and see the beach. The sound of the beach is so nice.
Wanna know how sad I am ? Sad referring to me being a pathetic soul.
Listening to the sound of the beach on spotify.
and imagine i am there and then cry when i open my eyes i am at the office
I need a break from life. haven't visit the beach properly since last year T_T

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Bad in distance

I was never this "manja" neither was I a distance freak. But I turned one the moment I am with him. Suprisingly, he stays and love me still. He amazed me in so many ways, when I thought I was suppose to guide him through this relationship thingy, since as quoted "you are way more experienced than me" by him.

I am so bad with distance. I guess there is a reason why, I am here staying close to him. God knows am that bad with distance. He is The Most Merciful. He knows best. Right now, I miss that boy.
And my emotions go haywire at this moment.

I am suprised on how love can turn us to be so human. When love turns you into a human, thats when you know you are confident being yourself. Only God knows how hard it is that both of us are going through our days till the time comes. People can judge, but we are the one passing through each day, holding one another through it all. May God bless us and to all others out there, it will be hard now, but stay strong, as one day it will be worth it.

P/s: our fights will be ours. Others need not to understand, as long as we and Him know how it is

Saturday, June 7, 2014


I am pretty much swamped with *checks schedule* sleeping.
Since work started. I have lack of sleep. 35km away from home every day.
DUDE. aku tak biasa lagi.
So currently, enjoying every bits of the weekend till Monday.
Oh no, don't get me wrong. I love my job. It is just that with work, we have this long-distance relationship.
I have to drive 35km just to be in love with work. Darn.
So if any of you people know anybody who is finding for a roomate living in Bangi or Putrajaya. Beep me in the comment box. I can't take the distance. SO SLEEPY.

Oh le beau is going away merantauing utara to Melaka this coming two weeks for his uni programme. Imma krai myself now and count the calendar till he is in the same state as me.
Yeah, mengada liddat. Will update properly soon. Ciao.

p/s: brain is producing some literature piece. So watch this space.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014


Maafkan aku. Aku terlupa bahawasanya aku mampu berkata. Ah tak lengkap hidupku kalau tak berkata kata melalui perkataan, di sini. I'll come back. But first, let me sort myself and my life first.

P/s: I do miss this.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014


Truthfully speaking. I am not at my best state. It has been going on for the past three weeks. I keep feeling tired way early than it is suppose to be. Tired even when I had enough rest. I feel the pressure of being the place where the house finds me to lean on.
What makes it more worse, I have keep it deep inside. Scared of the judgements made by people. Even by the ones close to me. I am scared that they will call me weak. When truth be told, I am breaking piece by piece. But cause I am now known to most by the strong one, even as I am sick and breaking, like it or not I have to stay strong and look strong.
My mind is tortured, my emotions are concealed, my insides are dying slowly.
They say I am independent and I can survive. But I can only do so much, because truth be told, I am a human, not a superman.

God, I lean on you. Because I need not to tell you or explain how I am. And You never judge me. Allah Ya Rahman Ya Rahim. Mend me. Help me. Put me in one piece so I can be alive.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Words speak

Sometimes, I think that what ever I say here is fake. 
Some seems a bit too ridiculous to be real. But then I remember. I know I will look and read at this posts, and it will remind me how shitty life was but, I am still able to tell people how life teach us lessons. 
As hard as it is learning and accepting new things, that is how life is. Everyday is a learning process. I never lied whenever I typed anything in here. Yes, some may seem like well, bit supercalifragilistialiaspadocious. 

But then again, I want to be told of the positive things in life. Yes, there are negatives in it. But I try to not let the downside pull me deep towards the blackhole. I refuse to. Because I have been there, and I had a really hard time to just stand up.

Now, I choose to see the positivity. I choose to be grateful of every little things. It is impossible. not one bit is easy. I cry a lot. But then I realize I am never alone. 
I choose to be patient and to breathe in everytime it gets hard and always be hopeful. And it helps a lot. I live better as bitter as life gets. I smile better even though my heart feels the pain. But I tell myself again and again, 

"God is fair. Your life, if it is full of candy, it will be too sweet. Too sweet that you feel it is too much to live, that nothing is real anymore. So the sour in life, the bitter parts help to balance it. So you'll savour the sweet part more. God is fair. Be patient"

Yeah fine. The dialogue seems a bit long. But I do tell myself that. I came to one point that when people inflict negativity to me, I just accept and turn it into positive vibe to help me through with it. Mind you, it won't take a day for this thing to be acceptable in life. You just need to accept it and know that this will work.
Why do you think hope is such a famous word to use when you're down? Because it exists. Hope does exists, and faith. 

Either you want it in your life or not. 

So life is bad. There is no reason to end it. Just turn and make it better. If you don't, then who will?

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Because there is up and down

Lucky - Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat

Today I like to say am very lucky. I've been lucky since the day I met him.
No matter our ups and down. I learn to love better, live better and smile better.
It will be a rough road till the day comes. But for now, we start to treasure the very sweet little things.
I believe everything will be worth while when the day finally comes.
Because only the both of us knows, what we went through

P/s: Always 'Lucky'

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Live, breathe and smile.

Living breathing and smiling. 
Seems easy but truth is, nothing is easy. 
Living requires you to go through life everyday. There will be ups and down. Roller coaster emotions. 
Breathing. Not everyday we breathe easy. At one point of life, breathing becomes so hard, that we can feel that we are holding ourselves together to just take a breath. Sometimes, we breathe too fast, that we forget to breathe all, one at a time. 
Smiling. The very essence of life. Truth be told, smiling is what all of us need. But then again, life doesn't promise us smiles everyday. Smiling only requires a few muscles. But then again, no one wants to smile when they don't want to, because that will be the hardest thing to do. Like forcing ourselves to hold a weight at our face.

These three are the thing that we keep in mind everyday. But we end up forgetting it, and when we fall, we asked thousands of time, why is it so hard to live, breathe and smile. We keep it at the back of our head, that only when we managed to breathe in slowly, we remember, life is never easy. It is just the matter of how we live it. Do you know what drives us to live? Love.

The essence of life. The spirit of life. Everyone of us falls in love and falls out of love. But this very essence, either helps us to stand tall or take us away on our feet and fall straight to the ground. Nevertheless, each one of us loves, for a reason. God, family, loved ones and friends. This will drives us to live and breathe and smile every single day. Love the power that tells us, life will be worth it, breathing will be as clear as taking in the fresh air of the day and smiling will be endless. Live everyday, tell ourselves that we love ourselves and then loving others. But never forget to hold The great love to The One that brings us to this world with His permission. The root of love comes from The One that never stopped loving us even though we turned away many times. When I am typing this, suddenly life seems easy. Suddenly life make sense. Love is the very essence of living, breathing and smiling.

I stand today, writing this to tell people out there, who is searching everyday for a will to drive through every challenges that they face. The moment you feel like everything seems hard, and you are at the verge of giving up. Don't. Believe that every hardship will have the happy ending.
I stand today telling you, that if you believe that you can go far. You'll be surprise of how He takes very good care of you. You only have to believe and keep loving. Because like you, I fall so often, but I tell myself, there will be good in every bad, and I never lost hope. And clearly, I am smiling at the end of the day, right now, hoping that each one of you finds the will to believe and live stronger. I know I found mine, and not letting go and keep loving will always drives me to live better.

So, begin to love Him, The One that loves endlessly and giving us this permission to love others. Then, take the next step to love ourselves before others. You'll be surprise how love can take you far, far in life. Easy to breathe and smiling without a doubt while standing strong on the ground with the ones you love.

p/s: Love. Goes a long way. 

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Never a machine

Have you ever feel so broken, to the point that even tears cannot describe how broken you are?
Even pain can't make you to cry, and words can't even describe properly how the tortured feeling is?
All that is left for you to feel is just..pain and empty.
Pain is when the heart is ripping every moment, even when you don't ask for it. The open wound keeps on hurting and knives keep on forcing through.
Empty because you are too broken to even know the difference of being happy and being sad. You smile for the sake of facial movements and to satisfy people.
Tears doesn't exists anymore, because you got used to the pain that even tears can't help to soothe you.
For a second you feel like the world is shunning you away.
Truth is, your heart is starting to shun it's way, from pain.

But the miracle thing about love is. Love makes you to go past through the pain, to believe that it will bring you up and bring you closer.
Love and pain. How can love feel the pain? How can pain exists in love?

Friday, February 14, 2014

'Cause If I could see your face once more'

All I Want - Kodaline

All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man I'm sure

When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side

But If you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody like you.

So you brought out the best of me,
A part of me I'd never seen.
You took my soul and wiped it clean.
Our love was made for movie screens.

But If you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body.
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody.

It breaks my heart to hear such beautiful melody, relates so much to the emotions. But the difference is, I am never finding for somebody.
I never did. Because I found one. The one.
Thing is right now, 
I am waiting.
And I am patiently waiting. 

p/s: everyday is like knives piercing through the heart deeper and deeper. 

Thursday, February 13, 2014


One can only do so much when the other refuse to give in. 
Have you ever made to feel like you are being tossed around and picked whenever you are wanted?
Well, it happens. 
But never let that kill your hopes and faith. Don't. 

beside you

How can you tell that someone, you love them, even they are miles away?
They say hearts can speak even as distance separates.
Heart is breaking. But I fight through it all, every day to tell the one I love, I am standing strong.
I need help.
I need help.
I need help.
God please help me through.
I am fighting for someone I believe that means everything to me.

p/s : i need to breathe

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Once upon memories

Once upon a dream - Lana Del Ray

I love to believe when I walk with the sands at my feet. I love to believe your smiles are next to me.
I love to believe everytime I do something, you will be there to tell me it is wrong, it is something you'll laugh at or something you'll smile at. I walk every pace with you next to me. Even as it is, I never walked any pace faster nor slower, but my pace remains the same with you next to me.
But then my vision of reality scars me, the moment I open my eyes. I lost your smiles, your laughter, your whining, your lectures, your presence in reality. I turn around only to see myself, alone, dreaming of memories I wish that could be my friend for all eternity.
But here I am alive.
Here I am with my eyes open.
I want my dreams to be reality.
I want reality to create more memories.
I want to be with you for all that I can remember. 

p/s: tore me to pieces. rip me apart. I'll stay here with this pieces till you see me again.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Need you now

Tiada duka yang abadi - Opick

Sometimes things don't go your way. For one second, do not fall down. Do not give up.
Don't let this become the reason you should stop. Stand up. Close your eyes. He is with you. Take a deep breath, He is listening, He is watching over you. 

I learn that sometimes things don't go your way. Things don't go as planned. and that you are a human being.
What if you lost the one you love along the way? It does not mean you should give up. No. It does not mean I should give up too.
If only you know how much I love you. If only you know how much I am standing strong for you.
But I can't show you now. So I let Him do it for me, and let time help you. You are pretty much John Watson. Angry with the fact that I have made you angry. Angry with the fact I hurt you. But one day, even after months, we will be back smiling. 
I pray you will see it one day. Like Mary Watson I will wait. I still have dreams with you and I want to make it through. 

So I will let you breathe and see when you can. I will always be here, waiting like I always do.