About Me

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A mind traveller. Pretty much an abstract and eccentric human being. But overall, a human panda who embraces food as a hobby.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Rasa terakhir

Hari ini, bulan memancar lebih cerah dari hari lain. Bulan purnama. Indahnya. Aku termenung melihat keindahan ciptaan Tuhan sambil menghirup kopi panas dalam genggamanku. Entah mengapa malam ini, antara semuanya, aku asyik menoleh kebelakang. Menoleh melihat masa yang aku ungkapkan sebagai my familiar place. Hadir wajah dia. Hadir wajah jejaka yang mengenalkan aku erti perasaan gelisah. Hadir pada dia.

"okay, what does first love means to you?" Tanya Syukri kepada aku. Terkedu sebentar terdengar soalan yang diajukan Syukri.

"Ha? of all the questions why this? Erm. Why are you asking this again?" Aku memutar semula soalan itu kembali kepada Syukri.

"Randomly. I just feel like asking. I nak tahu sebab I nak tahu macam mana you nampak first love as" Dia tersenyum ke arah aku. Aku masih terkedu ni. Tapi dia sudah bertanya. Takkan aku mahu endah tak endah pula. Nak jawab no comment. Tapi itu sudah seakan artis.

"Erm. First love is to me lah. Kalau orang lain Iqa tak tahu. But to me. First love is where you start to know all the feelings, from that gitterish feeling, resah, gelisah, butterfly in your stomach, bahagia all in one time. Dengan first love kita kenal semua tu. Tu la dia" Aku terdiam. Tiba-tiba terasa janggal pula lepas menjawab.

"So your ex is your first love la kan? Kira macam tu ek Iqa?" tanya Syukri dengan raut wajah keliru.

"Well, to me no. My ex may be my first boyfriend, but love doesn't come easily for Iqa, Syuk. Iqa rasa first love tu hadir, tak semestinya dari boyfriend. Kadang kala, pada Iqa, first love can either be yours forever or not at all. Sometimes, kita end up mencintai dia, sampai ke akhir tanpa dia di sisi. That's like sacrifice to see the one you love being happy" Ha. Jenuh juga nak explain. Putar belit jawapan aku.

"oh begitu. So who is your first love Iqa?" Lagi sekali. Terkedu aku. Apa pula mamat ni. Lepas satu satu soalan keluar.

"Mine? Erm. Ada lah. Someone" Aku terus kembali menghirup minuman. Cuba nak alihkan perhatian Syukri.

"Come la. Dengan I pun nak rahsia ke?" Syukri terus renung ke arah aku.

"Masalahnya, rahsia ke?" tersenyum dia mendengar jawapan aku. Syuk menoleh ke arah lain dan mula tersengih lebar sambil menjeling pada aku yang memberi pandangan sinis. Tapi aku juga tersenyum di sisinya.

Aku teralih dari lamunan bulan. Aku menghirup udara malam. Lain rasanya kali ini.

Bing. Bing. Bing.
Aku menoleh ke arah laptopku. Meja kerjaku, masih bersepah. Penuh dengan kerja-kerja thesis aku yang masih tertangguh. Ah. Letih sungguh. Tapi ini la dia hidupku. Bak kata rakan-rakan ku. Aku ini workaholic, sejak aku memulakan pengajian masters aku, jadi lagi workaholic. Sehinggakan rakan aku melenting,
"Wei. Tolong la cari masa nak rileks kejap je. Asyik kerja kerja. Aku yang letih. Jumpa muka kau sikit punya susah. Kau nak lari dari apa"

Lari. Kalaulah lari itu mampu bawa ku jauh.

Bing Bing Bing.
Aku mengambil tempatku di hadapan laptop. Scroll ke tab facebook. Muncul kotak chat yang ketika itu, nama Syukri di screen laptopku.

"Hi you. Buat apa tuh? Busy tak? ke workaholic lagi? :p " itulah perkataan yang tertera di kotak chat aku dan dia. Aku terhenti seketika. Nak reply ke tak nak. Itu sahaja yang bermain di minda. Aku gagahkan diri menaip jawapan.

"Hi. :) Tak buat apa. Taking some time to chill. Not busy at the moment. Hahaha! Perli I ke apa? Whats up?" Aku tekan enter. Selama seminit aku seakan menunggu selama sejam.

"Tak la puji je :p Stop working so hard. Nanti jadi lagi tak cantik. :p hi hi jangan marah. oh tak just nak tanya khabar. and erm..." reply Syukri. Aku pelik. matinya bicara smpai erm. Lepas tu, dia diam selama dua minit.

"I sebenarnye nak tanya, did I hurt you in any way? I wanna know cause I don't want to start a new life knowing I hurt you" aku terdiam. Soalan pelik-pelik lagi dia tanya. Aku terpaku melihat cursor berkelip. Lama juga aku termenung nak jawab, sehinggakan Syuk bertanya mana aku.

"Erm, honest answer ke you nak?" Aku tanya itu dulu lah. Kemudian Syuk membalas ya membalas jawapan aku.

"Yes you did, but biasalah. Cinta, takde hurt mana-mana macam tak normal je. But I'm fine. No grudge no harm. I learn a lot of things with you. Which is good. I did got hurt, but chill, That is life Syuk. Iqa okay je :)" aku terdiam sebentar. Tiba-tiba, terasa pedih pula. Seakan luka lama terasa kembali.

"Iqa, I really do.. well. you know. But I don't know" Sebelum Syuk sempat menjelaskan, aku terus memotong kata-kata chatnya.

"Syuk, please don't explain. Jodoh dah tak ada. Apa je nak jadik, takkan Syuk nak puaskan hati Iqa tapi Syuk tak bahagia. What we had was special. But it ends there. You may be my first but like I said before, Iqa lebih rela tengok Syuk bahagia" aku terdiam. kali ini luka lama mula terasa hampir.

"I know Iqa. I know. I'm sorry. Mungkin jodoh kita tiada. Syuk doakan terbaik." Aku masih termenung. Aku mengeluh

"oh tak apa lah. Syuk, Iqa nak kene off. Kerja nak sambung. Penat. We'll talk nanti okay. nanti update Iqa pasal your big day aite?"

"Alright Iqa. oh one more thing, are you coming? Please say yes"

"Depends Syuk. most probably no. I have things to do"

"oh. Tak apa la Iqa, Syuk faham. Bukan senang. How I wish we're still pretty much the same like before"

"oh. i'm wishing the same. tak apa la. Kirim salam Iza ya Syuk. tell her early congratulations on the marriage"

Syuk ucapkan selamat dan terima kasih. Aku terus appear offline. Pedih pedih. Hati ini kali ini pedih. Tapi apa mampu aku lakukan. Tidak tertulis begitu. Syukri hadir sebagai pengajaran dalam hidup aku. Hadir sebagai first love. Tapi dia bukan milikku. Satu masa dahulu, kami mungkin bersama. Perasaan di antara kami, tiada punya rahsia. Bukan mudah bagi aku melihat Syukri menyarungkan cincin ke jari manis Iza. Aku bahagia ya, Tapi tipulah. Aku manusia. Tapi ini la cinta pertama. Jika dia bukan milikku. Aku lebih rela membiarkan dia mencari bahagia. Kami di pertengahan jalan tapi hadirnya hakikat kami bukan milik masing masing. Syukri bukan boyfriend aku. Dia tak sempat pun jadik boyfriend. Tapi itu la dia, cinta pertama. Aku melarikan diri dari luka. Luka hati yang berkasih. Luka hati yang melepaskan cinta aku kepada yang lebih memiliki hatinya. Hadir aku di sini memberi nafas buat diriku. Aku menenangkan diri. Mereka kata aku melarikan diri. Ya. benar. Tapi hanya aku yang mengerti pedih ini. Aku hanya mampu mengucapkan Selamat Tinggal.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

It's my side passion

I don't call myself a photographer.
But I have my reasons why I love photography.
Not cause of the SLR. Not cause it's a trend.
More cause I love to know the fact I captured these moments : 








Mine may not be as perfect or as beautiful any people or photographer out there. But this is my way. :)


By far here I am

Felt like yesterday that I just started my semester. In February. Now it's April.
Funny how I was smiling at the start and now I'm all mixed up. I went through so many things within that 3 months. I was smiling for every single thing in February. Stumbled down in March. Standing up in April. Now I'm here. Then comes May after this. I am dreading May. I want it to come to know what more awaits. But I am scared that I may fall again. I don't want that. But then, who does? Life is about walking, falling, standing and walking back again the same journey. That's life. It teaches you with every fall you went through, you can stand and that you learn better. Turning 22 at the first part of the week, was hard. Very hard. It didn't went on how I thought it would be. 

Then despite me falling. I see some happiness through me standing back up. The happy faces that was around me, that help me create smiles alongside of me. These people deserve my attention more than the one that didn't bother. Then I realize, it's enough that I let things leave in the open. Now I have them. I found no reason to mourn over one that care less. So I'm standing tall. With them. I know life has more to come. For whatever reasons, my friends are the awesome people in my life. It wasn't easy at first, but at least am smiling now.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Like Allie I say,

After what I felt as so long. I came to see where I am. Then I was with another. Then I saw myself smiling. But with a confused state of mind. I can never understand, why I was smiling but seeing you in the back of my mind instead. I found out the smiles that I have, can never be the same compared to the one when I smile because of you. is it my fault that I can never walk further without you in my mind? I wish to say I miss you. But are you ever the same with me?

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Nobody wants this

Nobody likes to see themselves turn bitter.
Nobody wants to see themselves torn into pieces.
Nobody likes to be 24/7 full with pessimistic views
Nobody wants to be a non-believer.

But that is how life goes.
They turn bitter cause life stops giving them sweetness
They are torn because in reality, they are fragile
They turn pessimistic, because optimistic views disappoints them
They are non- believer because hope once made them believe everything was real.

So they stopped. Doing everything they can. To not get hurt. So this is what they have become. But then again. Deep down. They want to feel every single thing back to the way it is suppose to be.
They want to start believing not falling.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

out of reach

Stop fucking with my feelings. No. More like. Brains accepted the fact. Emotions? Be a man. Stop being a foolish girl. It's not legit anymore. He' out of reach. Dead line.