About Me

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A mind traveller. Pretty much an abstract and eccentric human being. But overall, a human panda who embraces food as a hobby.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

February went away

I miss the feeling I felt in February. Where did that went?
It was a momentary happiness. But that joy. That leap of heartbeats. Was like forever to me. I miss that feeling.

Friday, March 30, 2012

We can. We shall. We will.

Here is to the people
who ends up crying at night, when they have smiled the whole day
who tries hard to forget the scar and wound in the heart
who keeps their heart open for possibilities and the one
who ends up thinking when they are suppose to forget
who wants to keep believing despite the shits in life
who wants to be human when they can't stand strong any longer
who wants to be with their lucky ones

I pray we keep on believing and that we fight this with all our might, and one day stand up smiling, blessed with everything that came to us. Keep believing.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Just tonight

Wanna hear the truth?
You are the scar I can never remove, It's just too fucking hard to remove you away. It's like trying to get rid of a scar which will make it even worse. Are you happy that I'm this.. miserable? Are you? I only pray for one thing, that this can either can give me a meaningful lesson to learn. or hoping for what I see is impossible. Tuhan saja tahu, how I tried to push you away. So I stopped trying, but things are still the same. I push every one who's trying, not cause of you, but cause it's just not the same and my heart got tired. The only thing I'm not pushing is you. I bet you are happy seeing me this way. Well. I'm happy. Being just this. I am satisfied. I have my friends that is by my side. I will never show. I try to put the biggest pride that I will not fall in front of everyone. But here. I fall. I know you're reading every word. But once I leave this pages. I put all this shit aside and move on, eventhough its fucking impossible. I push myself forward. Just that here. I become vulnerable. I let myself be human. As much as I hate to admit this, but you made me remember that I am a human. It's okay to be this weak & not strong all the time. That is what good I can see.

You know how fate is making it impossible for me ? Well coincidence. The person who is everywhere, keep reminding me of you. He resembles you. You think I'm happy hearing the songs? No. But thats the closest I can get to you.

'So why are we here, talking to each other again?'

I've been repeating this song again and again. It's like a day without this song. I don't feel erm.. complete is not the word. But it reminds me to look at myself again and again. I love this song. I am not a big fan of Lil Wayne but this songs touched me. I think he got this idea from Michael Jackson's 'Man in the Mirror' since he mentioned that in the lyrics. Bruno Mars is in this song too. My goodness he's on every song. Everywhere. I don't hate him. I don't know why I sorta dislike him. Maybe he's overrated to me. Thank God he's talented. So yeah. I don't think this song can be your favourite song, but it can be mine. I like the sort of song that reminds me who I am.

Mirror - Lil Wayne feat. Bruno Mars

Monday, March 26, 2012


If I have the chance, I feel like running away to the nearest place with a beach or escape with nature and just be there and breathe. I want to be able to breathe. Something is bothering this feeling and heart. Healing takes all the time in the world. But you never know when you'll get better. one point you just don't care. The other, you start to feel back all the pain. But you can't figure out what. I just wanna find myself and just be with me.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

'of fireworks and dancing flames'

Mother asked me :
"How is he? Any updates?"

I ignored then she asked again. I later replied
"Ibu, I have no time for that. It's stupid. Don't ask about him dah. I don't want people who don't want me"

and I let truth spilled through my mouth. Clearly. She started to portray a worried look. She cares, she knows somewhere I'm broken. I quickly replied
"Don't worry. I'm still young. He's not for me. There's still time. I choose not to wait. It's me not him"

She was still not satisfied with my answer. Well. I can't tell the truth I'm broken and the reality that he shattered every pieces in me. But I'm holding on. He's not for me. I accepted that fact. But mother just can't know the fact that I'm on the way to heal myself. I can manage. She knows. and I know my someone is on his way. Not him anymore. Someone new. For now, I'm not breaking. Nothing will break my soul

Thursday, March 22, 2012

'Not gonna break my soul'

I have this one anthem. Yes. Katy Perry. Despite the sparkling. I adore how she can still smile despite the fact that she's down somewhere. She keeps others believe that nothing can make it fall down.
Plus she's hot. 
Yes. I bold that for a reason. Not just cause I like it.

You chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now

Now look at me

This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, 


 This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me


 Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows

But you’re not gonna break my soul

This is the part of me

That you’re never gonna ever take away from me

That obvious fact

I am not giving up on love. I don't. People keep loving something everyday. If it is not the partner, it is family, if it is not that, friends. If it is not then it's your teddy bear, or pet cat or hamster. That is love. I just decided to let go of the obvious. My friend said this, and am quoting.

" I don't need to advice the person of what he/she should do. It's the obvious fact. I will point it once, when he/she starts reasoning with his/her emotions. I'll shut up. It's their choice to take"

Points taken. Signal received. So lets start on a road filled with journey. I loveee being able to discover and learning things :) Made me feel like I wanna know myself even more. And despite the falls here and there. I am standing. Now that is inspiring.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


I am getting tired of saying this in my mind
'I miss you'
I ignored that. But it keeps on repeating in my head.
This is bullshit. When can I really say 'I miss you' but to someone else who really miss me instead? 

Between up and here.

Me and some other parts of me trying to figure out the reasons why, you keep on linger. But most part of me got tired of questioning it. So. Yeah. But I got bored with the fight between my mind and my heart. Funny when I think about it. We are right back where we started. Are we?

Monday, March 19, 2012

Something lingers

No matter how you try to forget. Something stays and lingers. You can't hate him. You can't hate yourself and definitely can't blame fate for that. I kept trying to draw my own smiles. Something isn't right. The heart knows. But like the usual. The brain refuse to listen. Being the stubborn mind and without emotions, the brain acts like it knows just what to feel. When the heart suffers. In silence.

Hello there

I decided to bring her back to life. She didn't deserve to be thrown away just like that. So words never did lie. But I guess some things change. Less lovely words. Less inspiring. I guess. How to inspire if I stopped find reasons to be inspired? Welcome back.