About Me

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A mind traveller. Pretty much an abstract and eccentric human being. But overall, a human panda who embraces food as a hobby.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

of self nature

I was injured yesterday due to the futsal tournament. I sprained my leg. Normally, some can take the pain. Some. While most of em, might end up waiting for it to heal and then walk. Well, mine was quite bad. I can only describe the pain but that wouldn't be enough to show how painful it is.
Despite the fact I am in pain, I still walk to class. I put a normal face in class without letting people know the fact that I am in pain cause of the injury. Then I walk back to my room, till I wanted to settle down, I realized I was having a hard time trying to bend my leg, because it hurts so bad. Then I remembered, oh the injury.

Then it finally hits me. That is how exactly I live my life. Even I had no idea I was that determined. I faced pain, I walked through it, ignoring all the pain I am facing, only to realize then that the pain is still there. I know no sense of giving up or stopping even though I got hurt along the way. I didn't stop. Neither asked for help. I refused help when I know at times I need it. I went through it. I realized I was stubborn but in a way that sometimes it is good sometimes it is not. I realized that this is me all this while. I started to remember some things that made who I am today. Then I started to recall every single memory as I was growing up, believe me, it hurts remembering all the pain I went through, from school, exams, family, friends. Things I do to gain respect of others and for people to look at me, to notice me. Then, I forgot I owe myself my own respect. I owe myself a respect which I should've given a long time ago. But looking to where I am now. I feel blessed. I finally found that respect, but I do have to learn one thing. Being weak is not an excuse, but a reason to know you're still a human. Turning 22 really made me see things around me in a wider perspective. 

It's all about understanding myself. I realized in order to understand others. I have to understand myself too. So here I am reflecting about life. I am very grateful I see things now. 22 sounds young, but being able to reflect things in life at this age? Well, I have a chance to start a beautiful beginning. I am blessed to know myself this deep. 

Get me out
Into the nighttime
Four walls won't hold me tonight
If this town
Is just an apple
Then let me take a bite
Human Nature - Michael Jackson

p/s: some apple might be old or new, but don't be scared to take a bite. There's still time to feel it :)


I am a very complex person.
I am slowly learning about myself.
After 22 years of living.
I only know myself now.
Well better later than never

of true and pride

I have lost words to say how I feel.
Pretty much this.
There is no one right now that can make me smile this wide.
none other but you.
Am I even saying this right?
Yes. I pray if this is real. I hope this stays.
I am saying this with butterflies.
Funny how this will only be read not spoken
but yet am smiling :)

p/s: 'we are all fools in love'

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Ada satu lagu bila..

kita berdua nyanyikan. Pandangan saya hanya sentiasa melihat awak. Yep. Mungkin awak tak perasan, ingat saya khusyuk menarik suara ala Jac. Tapi sebenarnya, saya melihat awak.You never noticed that. But I really love to see you singing this song, I don't know why. Guess it's the way you sing it. That memory stays in me everytime I hear that song. 

p/s: Ceritakan ceritera cinta. 

Friday, February 17, 2012

Where are we here?

I was watching This Is It. When I saw MJ singing Earth Song, tears came down. When I was a kid, this video/song, it's the only one I dislike to watch cause I know I will cry. I know how he feels when I see destruction and all these things are happening around me. I love nature. one thing about me is, when I see nature, I feel calm, at peace and that's the gift that God gave us, in order to balance our world around us. But unfortunately not all appreciate what some of us do. It hurts me in many ways, like MJ to see these things happen around us. He's my music idol not just of the music, but also his message. Now, we barely see artists like this. Can you name at least one?

Amuse..wait. what?

I find myself amusing when I lost control of my emotions. When I read back my posts, this is how I react :

Yes. Very much that reaction. For sure I can't take it all back. But sometimes it's rather amusing. But it's nowhere near funny. -_-

p/s: oh god the horror when I read it back I feel stupid. -______________-

Dare to believe

It is hard, when you try to fight things that you know you're scared with. I felt that before. Fighting your fears is the last thing that you would want to face. I find that my fear is to lost hope. It was the reason, that the past few days, I kept on searching for God knows what. It was a hectic feeling. I came tumbling down here and there.
I told myself. This is just too much. At one point, I was searching for peace so bad, I cried every night. I wasn't fighting for something that you and me could see. But rather fighting with my inner self. 

Having to live for 22 years of my life. I can tell, that my life is not that perfect. Who does have that perfect life? Recently, I was faced with something I thought, I can carry it with me. Unfortunately, I was wrong, one by one, my past came haunting, of the times, I've been through the tears here and there, I realize my fears came along with the past. I can't afford to be strong. I know that. But somehow, I guess, that my own self, have sorta immune with that fact that I just have to be strong. Being weak is not a choice, neither a living. To me being weak is not an excuse. But I forgot. I am a human. I am allowed to be weak. How much can I hold? Not all that's for sure. Indeed they say God is great. He knows, He listens. He understands. Feeling this peace and calm feeling, oh God. So nice. I would trade anything to have this feeling with me forever. But then again. Through all the storms that you've passed through, this is what made you stronger in life. 

So here I am to say. If you think life is being hard, that you can't find reasons to be weak. Well don't be. You're a human. Feeling strong all the time is tiring. It may be hard, but believe me one day it'll be worth it. I am scared too, but I dare to believe in it. Insya Allah, He knows. :)

This is how it is :)

Tonight, I am so calm. I feel, that I am at the right place. Alhamdullilah. :) Can this be with me everyday? It's sooo nice. If I have a beach next to me that will be so perfect. I think I should do soul searching.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Can you find it?

I was reminded of the things that can make me strong. Especially when I hear them singing this song.

'Say (All I Need) - one Republic'

Suddenly. I think I can make it :)

'All I need is the air I breathe, 
and a place to rest my head.
Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?'

Keeping it

Funny how things goes.
I kept answering these to people.

Who's the lucky guy this time?
No one

Why are you restless at night?
No am not.

Why the wide smile?
No it's the same smile

But you smile when it's about him?
No I didnt.

So who stole ur attention?
I dunno.

When actually every answer is the opposite of everything I answered.

So you're not telling even the slightest bit who he is?
Nope. He's my secret. 

p/s: funny how I didn't expect this to happen at all in the first place. Now it's this.

Don't just say goodbye

They say. When you set your heart out. All the love songs starts making sense. All the things you feel will be not ordinary. The first time I heard this song. It was nonsense all over it. Then. It changed. Though really, I may not agree with some part of the lyrics. I may have to say, the chorus and the bridge sorta make me cry. Sort of. I end up laughing the next few mins, not cause of how silly this is, but how the irony that I said this won't touch me at all. Well look at me now. I am head over heels. & yes. Like him, don't just say goodbye. I'll pick up these broken pieces till I'm bleeding, If that'll make it right, don't just say goodbye. I was broken before when I decided to walk away from you. But now. I'll try everything it takes to keep it.
Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...

Don’t just say, goodbye
Don’t just say, goodbye
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding
If that’ll make it right
-'It Will Rain by Bruno Mars'-

p/s: this is how I'm fighting every part of me that is scared of almost everything. Especially losing you.

Game coming soon

University Sports Carnival for IIUM is starting soon.
soon is next week. Which means. EEEK!
This year am back with the futsal team. With new faces.  AND. I am back to my old position. Lol. My stamina is not that good -_- haiyah failure. But I still got the Khan/Reina's skill ECEH. This year the team is great. They know how to tackle it. So let's do it guys! I have faith in all of you. I pray for more time to practice though. I will be freaking out by Monday. oh the horror.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Climb the stars

to put this short.
I miss you. :)

This is when

I was going through some of the videos in Youtube.
Then I went through this one song by this one artist.
I had no idea it had a video clip. So I said
"oh! there's a music video for this. Let's see"
Then the moment click that, I went
"oh shit."
I cried.
It totally reminds me of you.
I guess I just miss you.
I kept that deep within.
But when I saw him. I saw you instead

p/s: 'cause there'll be no clear sky, if I lose you baby' 

Such posts

EEEEEEEEEEEEE so emo posts.
Cannot la.
Where is my smiley me ? :(
I will be erm. Crapping more. Less emo. (Temporary) Lol!

of the heart in sight

She sat and stare
by the sea of peace and air,
she sat to wonder,
of the times she conquer,
the heart the mind and the soul,
it was under control
she said,
it was under control
she said.

She close her eyes,
of all the cries,
of all goodbyes,
she felt the fight,
that was to her sight,
a dream not to be repeated,
she prayed
and prayed,
save her heart
and forever be unhurt.

She stares,
finding the answer for her heart,
that restless heart,
she was strong
for so long,
till now
she vows,
she's strong,
but it didn't last for long.

She grasp the sand
in her hand,
but like the sand
she falls,
she falls,
She has a fight,
not with others in sight,
that fight,
with her heart, her mind, her soul,
that she thought she had under control
she said,
that it was under control,
so she said.

p/s: "tak semua kau rancang akan berlaku"

That time when

My friend once told me
Love is beautiful. It may hurt the first few steps.
But towards the end, it'll be with you forever.
It was 5-6 years ago. Back when I didn't really understand that.
I'm starting to get a hang of that.
Because whatever you experience in the past, can never be blamed at.
And carried towards the future.
That teach you to be stronger than before, and to appreciate love more than ever.
I pray mine will be a happy ending. I may not request for a happily ever after
But just the love that I will keep forever.
God is great. He's looking after me and my heart.
He knows.
and definitely, I'll be waiting for that miracle to happen.
For now. Let's smile :) and be blessed for every thing.

p/s: it's time when it's time :)

Monday, February 13, 2012


"Tell me what you want to hear, I'm gonna give all my secrets away" http://www.formspring.me/shafyee

Three years

I am today. Very much normal. I'm starting all the classes officially today.
This semester it's back to the normal credit hours. I can't live w 19 credit hours. Thats like lifeless to me.
So 16 is just nice. I can sleep, relax, have fun and do more activities.
So I'm a 3rd year now. oh gosh! 1 more year then I'm done! Time flies so fast.
I have nothing much to say for now. See you some time later !

p/s: dedub debuub

Sunday, February 12, 2012


It's like a collections of letters that was never sent :|
Believe me. It's not about you, It's just me.
I'm having a hard time convincing myself and my heart, that this will be okay
I guess at one point
the heart got scared of every little thing.


I can say thousands of words here.
How I miss you. How I'm being strong
but when it comes to really say it to you
it takes everything in me
I type everything, and end up deleting everything back
I'm speechless when it comes to you up front.

It forgot

I wish I can cry now
But I guess, my heart got strong that it build a wall so thick
that it forgot,
at one point, it wants to fall down, cause too tired of standing strong
but the heart can't
it stopped learning ways to cry and be weak for a while

p/s: this is gonna be endless emoshit posts

Saturday, February 11, 2012


I'm staying.
I'm staying as far as my heart takes me.
I'm staying here

That heart set

It's true when you have your heart set out for that one person.
Your heart can never see the same for others.
That one person is the only one who can change things.
Make you feel happy.
Make you feel perfect.
Make you feel complete.
I don't know at what pace am I standing.
I love that feeling
but I'm in a confuse circle.
I don't know what I'm doing, whether it's wrong or right.
I don't know if he sees thing in the way I do.
I don't know whether he feels the flutters.
I wanna try to be sane.
I wanna try to hold on.
It should be easier this time, isn't it?
But it's even harder than before.
I guess I have to brace my heart even stronger than before.

p/s: I can't breathe.

Something happens

everyone in Malaysia was going on and on at twitter about Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
I love that movie. But honestly, since I met you.
I never have the guts to see that movie.
I know how Anjali feels.
I'm scared that I might lose you.
Like her I might look strong later in the years.
But when she sees Rahul, even after years she tried to forget him
She never did.

p/s: 'you live only once, die only once, marry only once, and love only once'

The butterflies

I always wonder. does it always feel this way?
Why haven't i felt this way before?
it's such a warm and nice feeling.
Why haven't i felt this way before?
I guess it starts back to step 1

p/s: These butterflies have got to go away. its fluttering too much!

Monday, February 6, 2012


I am here. To tell myself.
When did this begin?
When will the end came?
My feelings are fucked up.
My mind is confused
My heart is scared.

I don't know what I'm thinking.
Can I throw everything away and just don't feel a thing?

p/s : 'I'm awake and trying'

Thursday, February 2, 2012


I got my smiles back !
I got my smiles back !

I'm gonna treasure this moment till God knows when.
I miss this!

p/s: thank you so much ! :) I'm smiling wider than the usual.


"Tell me what you want to hear, I'm gonna give all my secrets away" http://www.formspring.me/shafyee

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Kamu sahaja

Malam ini. Biar kan aku.
Biarkan aku menangis.
Air mata ku buat kamu.
bukan kerana kamu sakiti hati ku.
Jauh sekali.
Aku tidak pernah terfikir ini terjadi.
Bukan aku tidak mahu. Tapi, aku takut jika aku berharap.
Hatiku akan retak seribu.

tapi Tuhan itu Maha Pemurah. Jawapan aku telah diberi.
Dia bawa aku kepada kamu
Selama ini mimpi-mimpi ku tidak pernah tipu.
Benarlah itu kamu. Mungkin hati ku merindui kamu, tapi aku nafikannya
Tapi memang kamu di mimpi
Memang kamu petanda hati ini masih di sini.

Malam ini biarkan aku
biarkan aku menangis
air mata ku buat kamu
bukan kerana kamu sakiti hati ku
tapi kerana hati ini menangis kesyukuran.
bahawa selama aku memandang ke arah kamu
dan kamu juga memandang ke arah ku.

p/s: I have never feel this blessed. I miss you more than you can imagine. Especially your smiles.