About Me

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A mind traveller. Pretty much an abstract and eccentric human being. But overall, a human panda who embraces food as a hobby.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Au revoir

I thought sometimes you walked away. You carry some of my memories.
But I'm wrong.
You stop by once in a while.
I still cry that one tear. Thinking how foolish I am to fall that deep.
When you just came by and went away.
I still see Mr Mars. The same way I used to see him
That glimpse. and pieces of heart breaks away.


But I tell myself. A person's presence either a blessing or a lesson.
So you came by for a lesson for me to learn.
au revoir.

p/s: the pieces of puzzles left unsolved

Thursday, December 27, 2012

4 more days till 2013!

I am excited for 2013! Yes yes I am. Why?
I'm not afraid to get a year older.
I'm excited to see what is in store for me
I'm finally in my final year of undergraduate! 
and anddd
I'm not alone :) I am never alone.

What matters is. I have a whole new life experience to face. In a new perspective. Let's see what life has in store for me yeeah?

Let's stuuu... no. procrastinate. Now.

Masih tak usik buku untuk revision final ni. Rasa macam dah cuti. Jadik macam mano?

Level of procrastination detected?
HIGH. EXTREMELY HIGH

okay. ain't funny nemore

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Papers come and go ke?

So. Mother just reminds me of exams. *yang hampir hampir ku lupa*

I have six papers to sit for.
Let's see.

i) Arabic Level 6 - 29th December (Saturday)
ii) Bahasa Melayu Kerjaya - 30th December (Sunday) *alohai. Sunday -_- ticked off*
iii) Semantics - 5th January (Saturday)
iv) Journalism & English Academic Writing - 6th January (Sunday)
v) Discourse Analysis - 10th January (Thursday)

Well that's goodbye to my two weekends. But hey. It's okay i guess. One must not whine. Well... pasti boleh! Insya Allah :D

Come to think of it I'm entering my final year ! TIME PASS BY SO FAST. must make use of it while am still young. Gitew. soooo Let's prepare exam! But for now. let's rest :p

p.s: Last minute la ni en cita dia?

When there's down, there's always up

Salam readers! :) 
It feels good to be typing here back. TADAAAAAAA! Here I am! 

Wah. Tak payah nak tadaa sangat la kan. Kalau sebenarnye tengah blog bawah selimut. *sniffs*
Yes. Tidak baik lagi demam. Sejak dari hari rabu aritu. Sampaikan terpaksa skip last class on wednesday. Lagi2 kelas arab. mohon ampun ustaz! haih. 
Mula2 mengeluh la juga sebab sakit dalam timing yg salah. Astaghafirullahalazim. Teruk kan pikir cmtu? Tapi lepas da berfikir, baru teringt, setiap apa yg datang, walupun sakit, ini suma dugaan Tuhan. Dia takkan memberi dugaan ini kalau Dia tahu hambanya tu tak mampu nak bawa.


“Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya..” (2:286)

I bet semua pun tahu pasal ayat ni kan ? So for a while, terfikir memang setiap dugaan yang datang tu ada hikmahnya. Jadi, jangan mengeluh, tapi minta di perkuatkan diri to go through all the tough moments. Insya Allah. Allah akan sentiasa tolong. :) 
So for the past *mula mengira jari* 3 days, I've been sick, dengan adanya last assignment to be presented on Friday. Last pula tu. Alhamdullilah. Berjaya juga lepaskan semua dengan baik. Untung sangat ada groupmate yg awesome utk subject Journalism. Jadi semuanya jadi mudah. Indeed mmg betul la kita mampu kan :) Allah percayakan kita, tapi kita sendiri tak percaya dengan diri kita. So Alhamdullilah sangat everything went well. Plus, dalam 3 days ini juga, ada la menda yg terjadi. Tapi benda ni mulanya to me, was like scary la kan. (maaf tak dapat nak kongsi apa dia)
Tapi sebabkan perkara ni, memang membuka mata dan minda Shaf. 

Okay so motip di sini, Shaffy. What la are you trying to say?

Yes. motipnye, for everything that you go through, no matter how rock solid came across your way. Mungkin susah. Tapi lepas kita duduk dan berfikir, setiap apa yg datang. Semuanya bersebab. Jadiknya. Jangan cepat mengeluh. Jangan cepat gelisah. Turn to Him. Insya Allah. Dia ada di sisi. Dia selalu ada. Cuma kita kadang2 lupa nak lari kat Dia. See how much Allah sayangkan kita? Alhamdullilah. Despite the rock solid moments I went through the past 3 days. There was a good reason behind this. jadi, saya tak patah harapan. Instead mencari usaha nak stand up and go through it. So here I am. Sharing what I went through (well tak semua in details la kan) with you. :) 
Sebab Shaf tahu. ada yang kat luar tu mencari2 cara nak bangun kalau ada dugaan melanda. Don't worry. I know. I'm with you. And mind you, You are never alone (wah da cm Liverpool plak) not because I'm here, or anyone around have similar probs to you. tapi Allah sentiasa ada. Just have to remember him. Sebab dia tak pernah lupa pada kita. :) Jadiknya. I left you with this 



“Kerana sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan, sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan.”(Surah al-Insyirah: 5-6)

Jadi jangan la terlalu sedih ya! I'll see you soon readers <3 Mucho love la cita dia kan :p Pray for me to be all hip on two feet! I have finals coming soon EEKKK! 

p/s: I'm lucky to have someone beside me that always remind me to be the best for Him. :)

Sunday, December 16, 2012

When one moves from words to...tabs?

Salam semua! 

So. Where was I again. Oh yes. I have one final assignment to be done. To be presented on Thursday and to be submitted on Friday. Instead, what did I do?

a) Played World of Warcraft: Frozen Throne 
My childhood computer game. Yes. You read it right, and I type it right. My childhood game. After years of abandoning this game (which I shouldn't have abandoned it at all. Forgive meeeee. It was the growing up. and I got carried away. Okay drama di sini) I finally have it here in my lappie. So I got a lil weeeeeeeee carried away. Excited la katakan

b) Scrolled through 9gag. 
Yes. I abandoned this. for this semester. I have no idea why I did that. MAAF LA. Busy sangat. T_T 
Tah busy apa pun tak tahu. 

c) Tweet tweet di Twitter
Alahai. Standard la kan. Kalau bukak words, tak bukak twitter. Macam tak real je. 

d) New Girl 
Watched 2 episode of New Girl. I love Nick and Jess! I am still at Season 1. Nak buat camno. baru terkial nak sambung balik.

e) Blogger.
Blogging. Yes. Aku meratapi ketensionan. Di blog sendiri. Pastu japgi aku jaja kat twitter. Nak cari readers. Gitew. Ayat rasa cm nak buang diri dari tingkat 4 mahallah ni.

Dan itu la dia apa yg dah terjadik. Sepatutnye. dari dua jam lalu. Microsoft words ni, da berjalan.
Instead yang hado ni je :


Mampu? Memang budak benl ni suka buat keje last minute kan? Mampo la cmni. Boleh mati taw. Nasib baik lah tinggal setahun lagi nak degree. But I know I will miss this undergraduate years. A lot. But hey. life must go on. Okay. Nampak tak aku merapu da boleh lari topik? Kalau la. KALAUUUU LAH. aku boleh type panjang cmni untuk paper journalism.
Paling tak suka benau la kalau nak written assignment ni. Bagi presentation, mampu lagi. Written?
Pengsan dulu. Bangun balik pun belum tentu dapat siap on the dot. Hai. Okay. Balik semula kepada. Microsoft Words. AYUH! *tukar tab pergi 9gag balik* Once am done with my scrolling. Mehehheheh. Okay bai. Kalau masih buntu, japgi ada la post lagi.

Oh oh ! and tahniah buat blogger, Kak Maria Elena (wah. pakai kak. macam kenal sangat kan) dan suaminya Asfirdaus! :) Semoga bahagia dengan Dato ye Kak Maria ! Am so happy for you! Suka sangat tengok orang kahwin. Jeles, bukan jeles apa, mahu juga tersenyum ceria sebegitu. Tersenyum bersama pasangan yang dah sah dan halal. Paling penting, melangkah ke alam baru. Gitew. Aih. Mengeluh sahaja dahulu. Nanti sampai la masa buat saya, ye tak gitu awak? (eh?) :p

Been following her instagram for updates on her wedding since yesterday! So sapa nak tahu updates wedding Maria Elena. Boleh follow instagram dia, as tertera atas tu nama dia :D I loveeeeeeeeee wedding pictures! Cantiknya! 

Hahah sempat promo klan! dapat tengok sini je. Again congratulations! Semoga diberkati selalu oleh Allah. :) Mahu juga senyuman seperti itu! Aih. Akan tiba. Akan tiba :) jadik Ayuh. beralih ke assignment! Jumpa nanti and thank you for reading! 

p/s: Lagu time ni pula lagu yg berbaur ala2 wedding theme. Motif nak perli aku sangat kan. tet.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Menanti bintangcraft II

My third day blogging, masih buntu. Menunggu Stracraft II jadik milik lapptop saya. Slow sunggoh. Ini la dia kalau takde unifi. Slow semuanya. Lupa pula rumah ini ada streamyx. Kene la bersabar.
Ye saya main Starcraft. Apa ada hal. tapi da berzaman tinggalkan. T_T rindu zaman muda. Okay tu je nak ckp. bai

Friday, December 14, 2012

When hope rises

Tadi, finally tengok Rise of the Guardians. I love cartoons. To be honest, memang favourite nak tengok, tapi tak banyakkan, cita cartoon yang betul-betul macam cartoon movie zaman dulu. My favourite will always be Disney Princess (duh, agak obvious la kan), and of course, Finding Nemo. I cried okay. And today, tgk Rise of the Guardians? Menangis sepanjang movie. Motip? Touching. I got sensitive throughout the movie. Despite the awesome (magadz-awesome-tastic-hot-drooling) voiceover casts. The best part of it, is definitely the message of the movie. Believing and hoping. Never ever stop believing. I felt what Jack Frost felt. No in fact, I still feel it. I understand the feeling. 

I work in a funny way. Well sebenarnye, sangat weird. Cita yang dah sah sah sedih. Mata tak nak menangis. Cita yang takde kaitan nak nangis (contoh: cerita katun ni) menangis tak sudah. Pergi bersama Abang Chelsea. Boleh dia kata kita pelik. But I told him. Mungkin pengalaman kita berbeza. Saya menangis sebab saya punyai perasaan yg similar to Jack Frost. I love to let people believe in hopes and not give up. Because I know the feeling of being down and no one is there to lift you up. That is why, the main reason I blog in the first place is to tell people they are not alone. I wish to tell people, that there is always hope in every darkness. That the good things always there if you believe in it. This case, it will be, Him :) Kalau kita percaya pada Dia, dan sentiasa berpaling pada Dia dan ingat pada Dia, dengan izin-Nya, we will always be grateful with what we have. So, some might not understand why I go all emotional la kan. But some do. So my never ending quest, is to inspire people with my words. So indeed I will :) Yang penting, cerita ini mantop. I love Sandman of all the characters, why? Tak bercakap pun, he still made me smile. He just express through his thoughts and that is enough to make him a strong character.

p/s: So she dreams again. Of her paradise. (tak sudah lagu ni)

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

She dreams of Para-Para

Current song on repeat : Paradise - Coldplay

Salam lovely readers. :)

So I've said. I will blog. So I shall. Tergerak nak blog pasal this song. Yep the song that I've typed above. I'm not a big fan of Coldplay to be honest, but I love their art and music. Every song they have are brilliant, can't deny that. I also love the fact that Chris Martin nyanyi LIVE, awesome shizz. Sounds so amazing, that I know, whoever pays so much for the ticket, it's worth every penny. Anyway, da terlari topik. I'm not here to praise Coldplay. They need no compliments from me, as they are amazing musicians. So I'm here to blog about this song.

I love the fact that despite the title named Paradise, the first thing that came into my mind is, something happy and calm. But the moment I heard the lyrics, funny how a beautiful masterpiece has a tragedy. Tertarik dgn lyrics lagu ni, especially this part, 

When she was just a girl she expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of
Para-para-paradise, para-para-paradise, para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

Basically the song goes about a girl that pictures a flawless world, only to find out that actually every piece of reality is flawed and imperfect. So, she finds escapism everytime she closed her eyes, and run to her paradise. Pretty much moved by the song. Through out me growing up, to me, life is pretty and flawless. Surprised me somehow, that even to give love and receive love is that hard. I lived a life where I would love to give love and receive love. I get sensitive over small things related to goodness. Baru semalam, I got all sensitive when I saw a video about people doing good deeds. Bukan la nak taching apa, but it's really nice to see there's still hope of goodness in everyone. Certain people, tak percaya when I told em, I'm the type that I don't run after money, or aiming a rich life or top at my career. Sebenarnye, I just want to live a life, whereby, I live a life of a mother to my joyful kids and a wife to my lovely husband. (Insya Allah) That is all I wanted in life. When I get that, Allah can take me away, as I lived a life of what I call peace here in the Dunia, enough for me to carry forward to the next life. (Insya Allah) But then again, who am I to say bila nak mati kan. Takdir, jodoh, hidup dan mati terletak pada Dia. Wah, cakap macam hebat sangat kan? Truth be told, I'm saying this not to impress anyone, but really this is what I feel. I saw how 'cruel' life can be. So I'm tired of chasing what everyone see with their own eyes, so I am chasing something people forgot to chase in the first place. Chasing what I called the eternal. Chasing peace that Allah has long promise to us.Only if we remember Him too.

Knowing myself, few years back. I wouldn't type all of this. But Alhamdullilah :) Here I am. I'm blessed each and every single day. I'm close and achieving peace through my own ways. I wish to share what I see with others. Tapi jujurnya, memang tak semua akan nampak la kan. But hey, at least, I speak for my part. So, this song means so much to me. 

Sebab dunia ni hidupnya memang penuh dugaan dan cabaran. It's the way we deal with it. Whether we find for His help or not. That stands to strengthen yourself everyday. So my Paradise? :) Stands with Him. And I hope to be better everyday. Insya Allah. Masih belajar lagi pun. So, pelan pelan la kita jalan ye dak? 

I think i better end this. It's long. Hahah. I'll think of more to post. I'm a bit rusty. But thank you people! 
May Allah bless all of you, no matter what shit you are going through, every single thing has a silver lining. Believe me. :)

Have a splendid 12/12/12.

Dua belas bermula.

Salam semua !
*disusuli crickets berbunyi. sebab. memang hado la hai readers nye*

Berhabuk sudah blog ni. Sumpah tak tipu lama dah tak merapu kat sini. Kalau merapu balik boleh tak?
I miss blogging wei. Dulu berjela lama boleh blog. Sekarang nak blog lima minit pun takde masa. (bajet bajet sibuk sangat) The thing is, even I'm not sure sibuk dengan apa sebenarnye. Gitew cite dia.
Jadi. Untuk 12/12/12. Si Sepinah nak buat keputusan untuk rajin memblogkan diri dan meh sini. Kita hias sikit blog ni. Ceria skit. Bertahun asyik muram je kan. Tak done juga. So welcome back, erm... readers? (hado ke?) I'll try my very best to blog back :) Okay. Sekarang post pendek je. Ada kelas skill ketuk kompang japgi. Jadi menyusul kemudian semua.

p/s: Rindunye tengok diri sendiri merapu. #eh (bajet twitter la tu)

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Hello life

Life comes in the most unexpected ways. So. Here goes to many more of the life that will come.
May it come in the most loveable way imaginable :)

Thursday, November 22, 2012

To mars and beyond

To my old friend,
I'm not sure if you're still reading this. I stopped writing ever since because I need to move steps away. But like every other things, I turned back to the things I scribble just to know where I stand now. Sometimes, I look back just to reminisce. I have the feeling that sometimes you do come by and read the scribbles I made. So here I am, scribbling this, I miss a presence of my old friend. The one that I can share what about my studies and around. I have long accepted the fact, we can't be more, but here I am telling you. I miss the presence of a friend. I pray for your happiness wherever you are. I pray that you do well. I'll be there to celebrate you success soon. 

Till here.
p/s: it's been this long. it's been this quiet. 

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Everyday, this is for us

Here is to the people who think happy ending exists
Here is to the people who think life can always be better
Here is to the people who think dreams can come true
Here is to the people who cry when they are asleep
Here is to the people who smile when they are in pain
Here is to the people who suffer to gain joy
Here is a simple wish to people who try to live life

I say

We live. Just keep on living.
It's there. Just keep on believing.

Life in a funny way

There are moments in life, when you're used to have a certain things being absent, but when it's present. You hold on to it more than you should. Always remember, never ever. Hold on to it more than you should. Appreciate it yes. Embrace it yes. But never be obsessed with it. It takes everything in you to be back normal when you depend so much onto it. When you lose it. It kills everything in you. I am walking in a pace where I should've walk even before the new existence of someone. But I walked a pace even steps further than I should. I was running. Then suddenly, I fall. It hurts more than it should. So here. I am standing and walking. This time, even with the pain. I walk. But I smiled cause I saw how sometimes, life works in the funniest way ever imagined.

Monday, October 29, 2012

So where is it?

I am in a messed up state.
I'm not sure what is wrong actually.
One point I felt like it's okay.
Then came the fact. I can't go through it.
I'm lost

Friday, October 19, 2012

Mencari

It's not easy. It's not easy.
But it will be soon.
When will soon come?
Now for that. We have to wait.
I tell myself everyday. Eversince.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Petrified

Today is the day I refuse to tell myself that I fall.
I fall hard.
Like the rain. My tears came flooding down. I tried to find every reason to feel sane. But everything shuts me down. I turned to words. The words that can comfort me. The words of mind that spill everything for me.
I was walking. Walking at a pace where every step of the way, I am smiling. Every step I take. I feel blessed. But yesterday, a moment came. You were running. I was left behind. You ran and I decided to ran with you. You told me you were with me. So I did. I ran. But as I ran with you. Your pace is faster. I followed through, but I fall somewhere in between. I hurt myself. I hurt and I fell.
That was yesterday.
It was yesterday.
But when I fell. I hurt myself.
The wound is still there.
Hurting me.
Like the rain.
I cry.

p/s: The song He Won't Go by Adele came to play. I hate that song more than anything right now.

Healer

I spill when I'm ill.
Words are my healer. They speak on my behalf.
They speak for me when I am numb.
They speak for me when I am in tears.
They speak for me when my mind has too much to say but mouth is closed shut.
They tell me things I never knew I could think of.
Words are strong.
Action is stronger
But on my behalf.
Words is not a weapon
Words is my healer.

p/s: I want to feel sane

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Hello reflection

When it comes to writing, well, for people to read your writings or post. 
You need to be well known, or your story needs an attraction that let people glued to your writing.
That's what most people say.
Me? I write for one reason. I like to share what I know or discovered with a hope that it can change someone's life or perception.When I meant change, referring to for example, from a pessimist to an optimist. I don't see myself as an optimist. Never did. But I like to believe that in every cloud, there is a silver lining, present in unexpected ways.

I don't have a perfect post. Bombastic words. But whatever that I can share. I hope some will nod and say 'Hey, I am not alone'. Well, to sum it up. I like to inspire people. In the same time, I like to advice people. Not to say I am THAT good. But in advising people, I advise myself.So today, I went to class, the usual routine. Till my last class for today, my lecturer decided to advise me regarding life. Then he pointed out about facebook. He told me this.

'Whatever you post on facebook, or anywhere be it any social networking, think twice before you post it. You never know who is reading it and it reflects who you really are'

He didn't say exactly every words, but yeah that's what he said. Made me think instantly, I judge people for posting whatever they post. Then I realized. I am also letting people judge me. I can't blame them, for judging me. I let them see a 'glimpse' of my life. We're humans, we all judge. Either intentionally or unintentionally. So, I should be the one to blame in the first place. Well..These things that we all post about, it's what happening around us. It made me question myself, 

'Why did I want people to know again about this?'

'Why did I share this part of my life with them? For what reason?'

It's okay to share certain infos, or advice, but the unrelated infos. What's up with that? What do I actually want people to know? That I have perfect life? That I am jolly and all merry with whatever I have and do? It made me think instantly how I reflect myself. To a point, I am telling myself, that I am posting 'nonsense' Sad thing, that's what the society around us are doing. Don't look far. Simple.
Wanna know if I'm telling the truth? Do this. 

Click your news feed and within minutes, you'll see what individual A is eating. What individual B feels. And I bet you. That at least. AT LEAST. One of your facebook friends is ranting about how ridiculous his/her day is or that he/she is venting out their anger w a certain matter. Pendek cerita, he/she thinks, the facebook status is a public diary. 

Agree? If not, then lucky you lah. No drama to read. I have cerekarama at my news feed. Twitter? I don't think I need to say more. Even I tweet my own cerekarama. So why go far? I myself reflect what I think of other people. But oh well, at least I am reminded by it now rather than never. I hope I remember whatever I said. and they say, better practice what you preach. Won't be that easy, but Insya Allah. I'll remember it. Slow steps take you further. Like I've mentioned before. I am not perfect myself, but this is what I wish to share. 

Yes. Saya tahu. Panjang jela la kan saya post? It's too long that I might lose some readers already. but at least. Some of you read up till here. I am satisfied enough. I've said what I have to say. I am happy that I get to share this. So before I go, feel free to post anything, you can either agree to disagree to what I say. But at least, don't blame others when they start to judge. Because when you start to look in the mirror, the first person you'll judge....is you.

p/s: Micheal Jackson sang 'Man in the Mirror' So there is a truth to it, isn't it?

Monday, September 10, 2012

So what's the fuss?

Life won't be smooth all the way. But at least smile for whatever you have cause what you have now.
Is the best there is. And knowing you are still smiling? Make things worth while

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

It rains

Some songs. Still hurts like how it used to.
Some memories. Still hurts like how it used to.
Some letters. Still made me remind how it felt hurting for you.

It's still raining. But not as heavy as before.
This time. I closed the window while it's raining outside.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Di sebalik hati

Hari ini. Aku di dalam dunia. Di mana, kelilingku, ramai manusia.
Ramai sekali.
Tetapi. Entah mengapa, hati ini. Masih terasa keseorangan.
Benar lah hidup di dunia, walaupun dikelilingi hidup, masih sendiri.
Hati mula resah. Dua hari tinggal. Mungkin kurang.
Aku masih resah dan tidak mencukupi.
Aku masih rasa berat.
Kalau boleh, tidak mahu pergi.
Aku masih tak dapat membuka tangan terhadap syawal.
Kalau aku dibenarkan tinggal bersama Ramadhan.
Ah nikmatnya
Tapi apakan daya. Aku menanti yang akan datang. Tapi.
Siapa aku untuk berkata begitu?
Aku pun tidak pasti, sejauh mana nafasku.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Like you did mine

Lenyapkan perasaan ini.
Aku meminta. Dengan hati yg kini
memberi aku nafas.
Lenyapkan perasaan ragu ragu ini
Mampu kan aku untuk percaya,
pada apa yg terdaya,
Aku ingin berdiri dan berada di sisi
tapi bagaimana untuk pasti,
jika kau sendiri meragui
kehadiran aku di sini?

Saturday, August 11, 2012

It's only this far?

today happens to be the day where I say, it's been long.
It's been long. Seems long. But we're quite new.
So when will it be the day?
Or should I really anticipate it now?
Felt quite some time since we're together. But it's been 3 months. Only 3 months? felt long though

p.s: lets fast forward shall we?

Monday, August 6, 2012

Tolong aku?

Tolong aku?
Tolong la aku.
Tolong apa?
Tolong ringan kan beban yang ada.
Macam mana?
Macam apa cara yang ada.
Tapi.
Tapi apa?
Tapi aku juga punya beban. Tak mengapa aku di sini.
Tak mengapa. Biar aku pikul sendiri la jika begini.
Kerana aku belajar kita perlu memberi dan menerima. Biar aku memahami kau. Tapi. Kenapa hati aku yang terseksa?

Sunday, August 5, 2012

There's lost and found

I have no idea why. It's been a rough journey since the beginning of Ramadhan.
I am not complaining.
But for all the things that came. It came in one go. I was almost suffocating, finding it was hard to breathe.
But alhamdullilah. I managed to breathe. For now. I believed everything happens for a reason.
Especially after I choose a path that I thought I was scared to go through.
But behind this, I learn to discover myself, believe in Him, and trust in people I thought never exists.
Then here I am.
I went through shits the past few months. but I survived.
I am not gonna stop praying for a better one.
But all and all. Despite it's like this. I am now fulfilled.
It's a hard step these past few days. especially after I lost my laptop to a car theft.
Yep. All the hard work gone.
But it made me think and reflect who I was and why I care so much of what's inside the laptop.
It made me see who I really was.
Surprised me in many ways how that incident gave me a reflection of myself, rather than me mourning over the loss of my works and laptop.
Now. I am very much calm and I feel better. Well. Indeed God has a way to reach you. Even if it means
losing something.
I lost my laptop yes. But for all thats worth. I need to let go of my past. I got too caught up in it. That I forgot. How much I turned away from things I myself believe in.
Things have change now. I have better life. I need to appreciate it.
God brings me a man, whom I thought never existed.
Alhamdullilah. He surprised me in many ways I never knew. He knew me better than myself.
for all it's worth. I am his to keep.
And pray that he will be the one for me. Insya Allah.

and for the thieves. Well.. I am mad lah. But then again, ada la sebab en. But I'll still say. May you rot in Hell. But then again. I pray God knows just what to do with you.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Rainy night

Tonight I'm crying for all the reasons that I kept.
It's hard.
But the only thing that made me live and breathe easy afterwards, when I think of the good things that might come out later.
They said, everything happens for a reason. I believe in that reason. God knows better for everything that I went through.
I may cry on this side but on the other side of the future.
I am breathing.
Properly.
For all I know. I pray that nobody or anyone that I love will have to go through what I am going.
It's too much for me but i know how it feels.
And always believe that, it may be hard, but He's right there watching.

p/s: here comes the pain

Life is

Believe me.
What am going through is not easy.
No words can describe.
It's not fucking easy. So life. Please treat me a lil bit better

ps: this is when missing too much kills

Saturday, July 28, 2012

For a thousand years and more

3 years ago. I refuse to believe happy ever after exists.
I refuse to believe that maybe that someone is out there.
It's not that I did not believe at all. I do. But half of me doesn't wanna get hurt.
The other half. Well.. she still wants to believe. Despite the pain.
Today.
For all the right reasons. Am blessed. To see and to meet. A boy that changed every perception.
Alhamdullilah. He made me believe that within that thousand years. He'll come.
Some might say that I am madly deeply in love.
Well. I can't deny that.
But this I for now can say. Is not the ordinary cinta monyet.
Mungkin kali ini. Yang benar. He came unexpectedly.
At a time where I wasn't ready. Well. I thought I wasn't.
Tapi hanya Tuhan yang tahu. Apa yang terbaik.
Dengan dia rasanya macam sudah lama kenal.
I did not say, that he'll be my future. But for all I know
I am blessed to feel this moment. For all the things he bring and for the happiness and patience that he has towards me. For the acceptance that he loves me for who I am.
It's a lovey dovey post.
But here I am blessed.
Grateful to Allah. for He knows what is best for me.
Thank you for the endless understanding and for so many things you taught me. :)

p/s: I'm counting down. Still do. Few more and we'll be there :)

Friday, July 27, 2012

There's a place

Have you ever felt down and all you felt like doing just break down and cry?
I've been there
Unpleasant. It's like nothing can ever turn your frown into smiles
Your eyes can never stop crying.
You know you reached your break point.
I was scared to reach this, that I avoid every bits of reaching here.
But I knew, one day, I'll reach it. Without me realizing it.
Despite the happiness that exists around me.
There is one point that effect me that much and made me fall back down
Because of the old pain that hurts. The pain that remind me how badly everything was.
For a while. I thought I was scarred for life.
But I froze to silence with my thoughts.
For in that moment, I gain my strength back and look up to Him.
In hopes to be stronger.
Then it flashes in my mind. The people around me. I was never alone knowing that He gave me the people I love. The people that supported me.

Whenever this happens to you. Never feel down. Don't let yourself go down deeper than this.
Know that it is always okay to fall.
Remember Him. The people around you. and be with yourself. Love yourself.
Sometimes the pain we went through, the scars that we keep. Are the ones that made us who we are now.

So this is for the people who strives to be stronger each day but can still bring smiles to the world.
This is for all the people that live life only once, but living it stronger and better every day.

p/s: It's harder as we grow, but never stop believing and never stop in your tracks. 

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Antara enam, pagi, kopi dan aku

Ini sudah puasa ke-enam
Dari matahari celik smpai matahari benam,
Sehari puasa selama itu.


Ada yang dah dengar keluhan padu
dari students yang duduk di luar negara,
apa nak buat itu nasib mereka
Kita di sini,
puasa tak lama,
tapi kita mengeluh sama.

hai kawan-kawan
ini bulan ramadhan,
apa bising yang mau dikeluh,
sedangkan ini bulan yang rahmat penuh,
cari pahala kan lagi bagus,
dari memikir makanan terus.

Sudah pukul enam pagi,
orang masih tidur lagi.
aku celik mata,
menatap laptop yg ada,
menaip post di pagi buta,
dek kerana kopi yang ada,
dari tegukan sahur tadi,
jadi mata masih celik lagi.

Di sini sahaja aku merapu,
saja merapu ikut hobi
ini bukan kisah melodi,
yg hangat disampaikan setiap minggu,
ini macam kisah merapu,
disampaikan pada orang yang sudi baca post aku,
terima kasih aku ucapkan pada yg baca,
itupun kalau ada yg sudi membaca.

Dah la aku hilang idea.

p/s: minggu paling lama la hey. Jea. Nak tumpang kredit juga. Jadik bak kata alleycats. Saya ucapkan. 'Terima kasih la hey!'

Ini semua

Jiwa kacau.
Aku tak mengerti. Sama ada ini perlu atau tidak.
Ini cabaran mereka kata. Aku hanya mampu menangis.
Menangis menghadap-Nya meminta tabahkan hati ku
Itu sahaja yang aku mampu.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

It won't go

If you think. It's easy for me.
Think again. It was never easy.
In that years I learn so many things and hurt along the way.
We built smiles and tears.
If you think. All of this is, and seeing me smile. Is easy for me.
Think again. It was never easy.
I wish I can run away. But I choose not to.

p/s: i keep crying in the rain. till now.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

There is you, too, more and most :)

There was a story.
There was a boy and a girl. They were best of friends.
She ran to him for all the things she was unsure of. He stayed. He stayed being the friend he is.
She stayed the same, but at a different view than of what he thinks.
For all she knows, the moment she met him, she felt that feeling. That feeling that maybe.
Maybe could be reality. But being her, she pushed it away. Knowing that impossible can never happen. 
She lived being friends with him. In the same time, pushing every feeling she had in her way. 
Then one day. She saw something she knew was impossible. 
But then they say, impossible is nothing. 
Then for all they know. 
The boy and the girl kept a secret to themselves.
They've been keeping each other a secret.
They've been looking from a far of each other's view. That long. 
They kept thinking, being with each other is impossible. 
But today. 
They see each other closer than before. No more secrets
They are best of friends. Yes. 
They are buddies. Yes
They are pain in each other necks. Yes
They are jokers and a nuisance to each other. Yes
They are Monica and Chandler. Well Maybe.
But right now
They, are actually, me and you :)

For all the things we went through, as friends, as buddies, as crush. For that 5 years we've known each other as friends. Well. this is to our beginning as someone special. Hello there you :) This is to us so may we complete each other's life in the future. And be the ending of our search and the beginning of a new life. Insya Allah. Thank you for being this far. Thank you for putting endless smiles. Everyday. 

p/s: To the Chelsea boy. My Le Chelsea boy. To us :) To you, too, more and most.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

And it keeps on counting

No matter how life is now. I am happy. I have someone next to me. loving me every way I can imagine. 
Funny thing is, he knows I am this crazy.
He knows am not at all sweet.
He knows am not even close to romantic. 
He knows I suck in saying things that can comfort him. 
But he still stays.
now tell me.
Why shouldn't i be this happy?
I think i should be more happy than this.
I'm blessed and grateful.
For now. I am praying for fate to say he's mine :) 
To my best friend, my annoying joker, my other half. 
Words not enough. But I guess you know :)

p/s: 5 years and this is worth the wait 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Take it they said, it will be fun they said

Sem lepas sudah abis. Short sem baru start.
Meh la saya emphasize kan.
Short sem BARU start 
Baru as in ari isnin aritu
But guess what. By the end of the week. We got 5 articles (read: journal articles) to search. one presentation to be presented by the next two weeks.
Term paper to be submitted the next 4 weeks. WALAWEH
Ini da macam bukan short da. Da patut panggil pack semester.
Mengegel la plak nak buat kerja.
Nasib kau la.
Sapa suh amik en.
Tapi demi pelajaran. Akan ku tempuhi.
Eh pui. Ayat. -_- sendiri taip sendiri nak muntah.
oh well. Ini la dia liku2 hidup. Susah dahulu. Senang kemudian.
Kalau kita tak susah skang, nak benda senang kemudian, jangan la merungut kalau susah nak dapatkan?

Jadi sampai di sini rintihannya. Kbai. Mekasih sudi baca. Saya stress sebenarnye. Baru bangun tidur da kene pikir articles -_-

p/s: Mak saya kata biar belajar macam nak terbalik daripada buat benda tak elok macam nak rak. Eh ye la du en? 

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Empty pedestal

She sat and ponder,
To the pedestal,
Exists within a mansion,
A mansion so big, yet so empty.
She wonders,
of the pedestal,
The reason, the remembrance,
she can't recall, she said.
She can't remember, she said.
As she looks deeper, to the carving at the pedestal,
written,
'Look high, but never deeper'
The pedestal standing tall.
But the reason remains empty.
for all she knows, it was there before, present and future.
It's not to be touch. Not to be yearn. Not to be mourn at.
She saw a tragedy within the pedestal.
Built either by force.
or by act of respect.
But never for love
But never for remembrance.
Poor pedestal she said.
Poor empty pedestal she said
So she sat and puzzled
of this empty pedestal,
Laid here,
Within a mansion. So big, yet so empty.
She walks away.
walks away.
with the need to embrace,
but leaving the scene with no act of remembrance.



Sunday, June 10, 2012

Here

I was surprised today.
I was speechless. To know that we are not following each other.
I get the part not following. Then I realized.
What was the reason this happened again? Did I hurt you?
I expect you, of all people. With your age. To be mature. If there is something you don't like. Confront me.
Tell me. Express it. Not running away.
I always look up to you. For the reasons that I respect what you did. How you do things. I always see you as a mentor. As a friend. Maybe. In the past. I saw you even more than that.
But then again somethings do change.
Nevertheless. You i still see as a mentor and still as a friend.
But I guess you stopped seeing me as a friend.
Now tell me. What did I did wrong until you put me out in that way ?
I'm hurt. To know if this is the way you do things
I'm hurt. To know that we stop seeing things the same way.
But what made me more hurt. That you just simply block me out.
I expect You, of all people. To be the mature one. With your experience. With your age.
But clearly, you prove me wrong.
I will not say much anymore.
We're adults to be chopping each other's words with nonsense.
Whatever that I say to you is real. Whatever that I say to you is true.
It was never just to make it look good. But it was sincere.
Well. 
I hope you are okay. Wherever you go.  I wish you all the best. Always.

p/s: I left w no words but disappointment

Run away run away

I am trying very hard to look at you and not remember the one that has passed.
It hurts me so much to remember something that is not present here physically.
Definitely you can never replace his place. Funny thing. You are suppose to be at his degree.
Not him
I try to look at you and still call you that. But I think I didn't learn to do that.
I only know it from the past.
It hurts me so much to think that I am here facing a pedestal.
But i never know what reasons this pedestal exists. It's just a pedestal never something I embrace.

ps: I envy every little girl that has a place to run to. 

Saturday, June 9, 2012

To blessings

I am blessed. I stand here tonight hearing to this song.

Terukir Di Bintang 
by Yuna

And here I am. Blessed w everything. Great family and friends. And now someone special. Everything was worth the wait. and he was right in front of me all the time :) Thank you love. I keep on praying we will be next to each other always. :)

Monday, June 4, 2012

Breathing into every word

I am left with three papers more. I miss typing. I miss blogging. I miss just scribbling. Life is treating me fair so far. I love just how it's going right. Things should stay this way. Well that is what I wish for. But I know this will be temporary. Better brace myself for any future ride. It's gonna be a hella of a ride. Not anticipating it. Maybe just dreading it. Like they say life is like a roller coaster ride. Stay put. Grab on and enjoy the ride.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Life like this

Finals is here. I wish to blog more. But I ran out of ideas.
It's either I do have something to write, but I have short term memory. The next thing you know. I end up babbling things away from what I wanted to say.
I am in my 3rd year 1st semester. Next semester will be the end of my 3rd year. Which means one more year to go till it ends. I believe that it's not gonna be long. Believe me. It won't. I am kinda scared of what's gonna happen after I graduate. I haven't think about it much. I did. Well I did planned it. But. I haven't thought it's gonna come soon. I kept seeing myself doing the same college routine. I'm 22. Things are moving fast. Am I ready? God knows. But in the mean time. I'm treasuring, scribbling and learning every step of the way. Insya Allah. Life keeps on surprising me :)

They say

They say.
Try to love. Then you'll learn.
They say.
The one who loves you sincerely,
will let you see how love is true
They say.
Falling in love at first sight
is like falling for lust.
They say
falling in love is when we love that one person for who they are.
They say
I'm falling.
Well most probably, the answer is yes.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

of his imperfections

November 2010
Guys are foolish to let the good ones go away and instead go for what they want
They want the perfect one. But the perfect one does not fit in with them.
How can you see a perfect person for its perfection? 

Then I guess you have nothing to hate about her.
So that both of you can fight.
You have nothing to take on her.
So that you can tease her and that when she is upset you'll say sorry 
You have nothing on her that others don't see
so that only you will feel special because you love her for that special thing she have

Isn't that plain boredom if you find the perfection in a girl?
Well boo hoo to guys like that
Guys like that should learn how to fall in love the proper way

May 2012
I posted this almost 2 years ago. I found a person with his imperfections. 
He's not the perfect one. But hey. With every little imperfections he has.

He's imperfect to the point that :

I have every bits about him that I dislike and get easily irritate with 
So that we both disagree and have our own small fights  
I can point out here and there of his imperfection
So that I can tease him and when he's upset I say sorry and make him smile
I have that imperfections on him that I see
so that I know he's special cause I love him as he is for all the things he's imperfect for.

It makes everything else with him looks just nice :) Perfect never exists in our life. Almost perfect? Well that might exists. Gradually, day by day. I'm falling for him. Here I am. Might not saying a thing to him. But I know he knows :)

p/s: You're still that boy I feel like giving a tight slap on your face and the one that always give me high blood pressure without fail. Every time :p


Tuesday, May 15, 2012

hello

Funny thing happened.
I thought I was ready to be in a relationship. I thought I was. All this while.
I thought I can make it.
When it came.
Turns out. I was scared as shit.
I was freaking out every step of the way. It's like what I said was just me reasoning myself.
But now, I am scared. But he made it easier every step of the way :)
I think am slowly opening my heart back
knowing him.
He made it easier.
What a way to thank this than to thank Him :) God answered my prayers.
He let me found this boy. So.
Let's go with the flow and let us see where this will go okay? :)

Friday, May 11, 2012

Sometimes it hurts instead

Why can't I ever forget you ?
I hate finding reasons for this.
Because sometimes. There's always first for everything.
I hate that bittersweet fact, that you are my first

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Bangun ayuh?

Ah bencinya. Malam ni macam menyampah dengan diri sendiri.
Pantang bila aku da bermula 'scribble' kat sini.
Berjela-jela panjang aku 'scribble'. Tidak. Ini bukan post aku mengarang cerita pendek. Bukan post ini... bukan kot. Aku terasa macam nak 'scribble' dalam bahasa ibunda.
Hari ini semua benda terusik di hati. Entah kenapa.
Lemah betul.
Benci jadi macam ni.
Tapi ini la dia. Fitrah aku sebagai manusia. Sekuat mana pun kita. Jatuh juga.Sepuluh ribu kali la kalau kau ucap 'Takde menda ah'
Balik-balik bila kau sorang, kau juga menangis.
Takda la sekuat mana pun kan.
Konon-konon kuat. Last-last macam wanita lain juga.
Dah memang dalam IC pun jantina perempuan. Maka segala perasaan pun alih-alih perempuan juga.
Benci betul bila menangis sebab tak dapat jadi gagah. Benci betul bila jadi lemah dan terfikir brapa lama nak bertahan macam ini.
Aku lupa.
Aku sendiri terlupa. Aku ni tak la kuat mana pun.
Lempar la senyuman macam mana pun. Aku mampu letak ke tepi segala masalah.
Tapi akhirnya, aku toleh ke tepi juga.
Aku sudah biasa macam ini.
Bangun jatuh sendiri. Apa susah?
Dah penat menangis, lap air mata, bangun. Itu aku.
Tapi hakikatnya, aku penat bangun sendiri.
Tapi... bukankah ini sudah jadi perkara biasa? Tapi kenapa aku mengeluh?
Aku toleh ke arah cermin.
Melihat diri aku.
Aku segagah mana aku 'portray' kan diri aku pada orang sekeliling aku.
Itu sekadar 'shield' aku. Melindungi diri aku sebenar. Tapi di sini.
Benci.
Semua tentang diri aku. Kata-kata yang aku catitkan di sini. Cukup menggambarkan aku.
Mungkin aku terlupa.
Aku ni juga manusia.
Aku tidak mampu berdiri sendiri begitu lama.
Aku lupa.
Aku juga mampu jatuh tanpa rasa malu dengan diri sendiri.

Never forgotten

In 12 days. It will be 3 years.
I count. I remember. I reminisce.
I am missing the years before that. I am missing that feeling of anticipating weekend to see that old chap's face.
I am missing my joker. Missing that same face that when I tell stories to, he listens carefully.
3 years. It felt like yesterday.
I miss cooking for him. I miss him teaching me the right way to cook his favourite sambal ikan bilis.
I miss being his favourite little girl. Always have and always been.

Dear grandpapa,
Every year doesn't make me miss you less. But even more.
I'm doing fine. but how I wish you're here.
I know my weekends will be filled with laughter.
I hate to remember how I spent May with you. The last memory is of you trying to draw a smile.
Everytime I  drive by that house, I am hoping I might see your face outside, gardening.
I saw that glimpse of a small little girl, standing next to her grandpa, painting the house to prepare for raya.
I'm missing every moment.
I'll be praying always.
I'll never forget you.
It's just that. I forgot that you're not here anymore.
Physically you're long gone. But deep inside I know, I know grandpapa, that you're near.
This little girl always miss his old chap. Always.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Rasa terakhir

Hari ini, bulan memancar lebih cerah dari hari lain. Bulan purnama. Indahnya. Aku termenung melihat keindahan ciptaan Tuhan sambil menghirup kopi panas dalam genggamanku. Entah mengapa malam ini, antara semuanya, aku asyik menoleh kebelakang. Menoleh melihat masa yang aku ungkapkan sebagai my familiar place. Hadir wajah dia. Hadir wajah jejaka yang mengenalkan aku erti perasaan gelisah. Hadir pada dia.

"okay, what does first love means to you?" Tanya Syukri kepada aku. Terkedu sebentar terdengar soalan yang diajukan Syukri.

"Ha? of all the questions why this? Erm. Why are you asking this again?" Aku memutar semula soalan itu kembali kepada Syukri.

"Randomly. I just feel like asking. I nak tahu sebab I nak tahu macam mana you nampak first love as" Dia tersenyum ke arah aku. Aku masih terkedu ni. Tapi dia sudah bertanya. Takkan aku mahu endah tak endah pula. Nak jawab no comment. Tapi itu sudah seakan artis.

"Erm. First love is to me lah. Kalau orang lain Iqa tak tahu. But to me. First love is where you start to know all the feelings, from that gitterish feeling, resah, gelisah, butterfly in your stomach, bahagia all in one time. Dengan first love kita kenal semua tu. Tu la dia" Aku terdiam. Tiba-tiba terasa janggal pula lepas menjawab.

"So your ex is your first love la kan? Kira macam tu ek Iqa?" tanya Syukri dengan raut wajah keliru.

"Well, to me no. My ex may be my first boyfriend, but love doesn't come easily for Iqa, Syuk. Iqa rasa first love tu hadir, tak semestinya dari boyfriend. Kadang kala, pada Iqa, first love can either be yours forever or not at all. Sometimes, kita end up mencintai dia, sampai ke akhir tanpa dia di sisi. That's like sacrifice to see the one you love being happy" Ha. Jenuh juga nak explain. Putar belit jawapan aku.

"oh begitu. So who is your first love Iqa?" Lagi sekali. Terkedu aku. Apa pula mamat ni. Lepas satu satu soalan keluar.

"Mine? Erm. Ada lah. Someone" Aku terus kembali menghirup minuman. Cuba nak alihkan perhatian Syukri.

"Come la. Dengan I pun nak rahsia ke?" Syukri terus renung ke arah aku.

"Masalahnya, rahsia ke?" tersenyum dia mendengar jawapan aku. Syuk menoleh ke arah lain dan mula tersengih lebar sambil menjeling pada aku yang memberi pandangan sinis. Tapi aku juga tersenyum di sisinya.

Aku teralih dari lamunan bulan. Aku menghirup udara malam. Lain rasanya kali ini.

Bing. Bing. Bing.
Aku menoleh ke arah laptopku. Meja kerjaku, masih bersepah. Penuh dengan kerja-kerja thesis aku yang masih tertangguh. Ah. Letih sungguh. Tapi ini la dia hidupku. Bak kata rakan-rakan ku. Aku ini workaholic, sejak aku memulakan pengajian masters aku, jadi lagi workaholic. Sehinggakan rakan aku melenting,
"Wei. Tolong la cari masa nak rileks kejap je. Asyik kerja kerja. Aku yang letih. Jumpa muka kau sikit punya susah. Kau nak lari dari apa"

Lari. Kalaulah lari itu mampu bawa ku jauh.

Bing Bing Bing.
Aku mengambil tempatku di hadapan laptop. Scroll ke tab facebook. Muncul kotak chat yang ketika itu, nama Syukri di screen laptopku.

"Hi you. Buat apa tuh? Busy tak? ke workaholic lagi? :p " itulah perkataan yang tertera di kotak chat aku dan dia. Aku terhenti seketika. Nak reply ke tak nak. Itu sahaja yang bermain di minda. Aku gagahkan diri menaip jawapan.

"Hi. :) Tak buat apa. Taking some time to chill. Not busy at the moment. Hahaha! Perli I ke apa? Whats up?" Aku tekan enter. Selama seminit aku seakan menunggu selama sejam.

"Tak la puji je :p Stop working so hard. Nanti jadi lagi tak cantik. :p hi hi jangan marah. oh tak just nak tanya khabar. and erm..." reply Syukri. Aku pelik. matinya bicara smpai erm. Lepas tu, dia diam selama dua minit.

"I sebenarnye nak tanya, did I hurt you in any way? I wanna know cause I don't want to start a new life knowing I hurt you" aku terdiam. Soalan pelik-pelik lagi dia tanya. Aku terpaku melihat cursor berkelip. Lama juga aku termenung nak jawab, sehinggakan Syuk bertanya mana aku.

"Erm, honest answer ke you nak?" Aku tanya itu dulu lah. Kemudian Syuk membalas ya membalas jawapan aku.

"Yes you did, but biasalah. Cinta, takde hurt mana-mana macam tak normal je. But I'm fine. No grudge no harm. I learn a lot of things with you. Which is good. I did got hurt, but chill, That is life Syuk. Iqa okay je :)" aku terdiam sebentar. Tiba-tiba, terasa pedih pula. Seakan luka lama terasa kembali.

"Iqa, I really do.. well. you know. But I don't know" Sebelum Syuk sempat menjelaskan, aku terus memotong kata-kata chatnya.

"Syuk, please don't explain. Jodoh dah tak ada. Apa je nak jadik, takkan Syuk nak puaskan hati Iqa tapi Syuk tak bahagia. What we had was special. But it ends there. You may be my first but like I said before, Iqa lebih rela tengok Syuk bahagia" aku terdiam. kali ini luka lama mula terasa hampir.

"I know Iqa. I know. I'm sorry. Mungkin jodoh kita tiada. Syuk doakan terbaik." Aku masih termenung. Aku mengeluh

"oh tak apa lah. Syuk, Iqa nak kene off. Kerja nak sambung. Penat. We'll talk nanti okay. nanti update Iqa pasal your big day aite?"

"Alright Iqa. oh one more thing, are you coming? Please say yes"

"Depends Syuk. most probably no. I have things to do"

"oh. Tak apa la Iqa, Syuk faham. Bukan senang. How I wish we're still pretty much the same like before"

"oh. i'm wishing the same. tak apa la. Kirim salam Iza ya Syuk. tell her early congratulations on the marriage"

Syuk ucapkan selamat dan terima kasih. Aku terus appear offline. Pedih pedih. Hati ini kali ini pedih. Tapi apa mampu aku lakukan. Tidak tertulis begitu. Syukri hadir sebagai pengajaran dalam hidup aku. Hadir sebagai first love. Tapi dia bukan milikku. Satu masa dahulu, kami mungkin bersama. Perasaan di antara kami, tiada punya rahsia. Bukan mudah bagi aku melihat Syukri menyarungkan cincin ke jari manis Iza. Aku bahagia ya, Tapi tipulah. Aku manusia. Tapi ini la cinta pertama. Jika dia bukan milikku. Aku lebih rela membiarkan dia mencari bahagia. Kami di pertengahan jalan tapi hadirnya hakikat kami bukan milik masing masing. Syukri bukan boyfriend aku. Dia tak sempat pun jadik boyfriend. Tapi itu la dia, cinta pertama. Aku melarikan diri dari luka. Luka hati yang berkasih. Luka hati yang melepaskan cinta aku kepada yang lebih memiliki hatinya. Hadir aku di sini memberi nafas buat diriku. Aku menenangkan diri. Mereka kata aku melarikan diri. Ya. benar. Tapi hanya aku yang mengerti pedih ini. Aku hanya mampu mengucapkan Selamat Tinggal.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

It's my side passion

I don't call myself a photographer.
But I have my reasons why I love photography.
Not cause of the SLR. Not cause it's a trend.
More cause I love to know the fact I captured these moments : 








Mine may not be as perfect or as beautiful any people or photographer out there. But this is my way. :)


By far here I am

Felt like yesterday that I just started my semester. In February. Now it's April.
Funny how I was smiling at the start and now I'm all mixed up. I went through so many things within that 3 months. I was smiling for every single thing in February. Stumbled down in March. Standing up in April. Now I'm here. Then comes May after this. I am dreading May. I want it to come to know what more awaits. But I am scared that I may fall again. I don't want that. But then, who does? Life is about walking, falling, standing and walking back again the same journey. That's life. It teaches you with every fall you went through, you can stand and that you learn better. Turning 22 at the first part of the week, was hard. Very hard. It didn't went on how I thought it would be. 

Then despite me falling. I see some happiness through me standing back up. The happy faces that was around me, that help me create smiles alongside of me. These people deserve my attention more than the one that didn't bother. Then I realize, it's enough that I let things leave in the open. Now I have them. I found no reason to mourn over one that care less. So I'm standing tall. With them. I know life has more to come. For whatever reasons, my friends are the awesome people in my life. It wasn't easy at first, but at least am smiling now.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Like Allie I say,

After what I felt as so long. I came to see where I am. Then I was with another. Then I saw myself smiling. But with a confused state of mind. I can never understand, why I was smiling but seeing you in the back of my mind instead. I found out the smiles that I have, can never be the same compared to the one when I smile because of you. is it my fault that I can never walk further without you in my mind? I wish to say I miss you. But are you ever the same with me?

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Nobody wants this

Nobody likes to see themselves turn bitter.
Nobody wants to see themselves torn into pieces.
Nobody likes to be 24/7 full with pessimistic views
Nobody wants to be a non-believer.

But that is how life goes.
They turn bitter cause life stops giving them sweetness
They are torn because in reality, they are fragile
They turn pessimistic, because optimistic views disappoints them
They are non- believer because hope once made them believe everything was real.

So they stopped. Doing everything they can. To not get hurt. So this is what they have become. But then again. Deep down. They want to feel every single thing back to the way it is suppose to be.
They want to start believing not falling.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

out of reach

Stop fucking with my feelings. No. More like. Brains accepted the fact. Emotions? Be a man. Stop being a foolish girl. It's not legit anymore. He' out of reach. Dead line.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

February went away

I miss the feeling I felt in February. Where did that went?
It was a momentary happiness. But that joy. That leap of heartbeats. Was like forever to me. I miss that feeling.

Friday, March 30, 2012

We can. We shall. We will.

Here is to the people
who ends up crying at night, when they have smiled the whole day
who tries hard to forget the scar and wound in the heart
who keeps their heart open for possibilities and the one
who ends up thinking when they are suppose to forget
who wants to keep believing despite the shits in life
who wants to be human when they can't stand strong any longer
who wants to be with their lucky ones

I pray we keep on believing and that we fight this with all our might, and one day stand up smiling, blessed with everything that came to us. Keep believing.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Just tonight

Wanna hear the truth?
You are the scar I can never remove, It's just too fucking hard to remove you away. It's like trying to get rid of a scar which will make it even worse. Are you happy that I'm this.. miserable? Are you? I only pray for one thing, that this can either can give me a meaningful lesson to learn. or hoping for what I see is impossible. Tuhan saja tahu, how I tried to push you away. So I stopped trying, but things are still the same. I push every one who's trying, not cause of you, but cause it's just not the same and my heart got tired. The only thing I'm not pushing is you. I bet you are happy seeing me this way. Well. I'm happy. Being just this. I am satisfied. I have my friends that is by my side. I will never show. I try to put the biggest pride that I will not fall in front of everyone. But here. I fall. I know you're reading every word. But once I leave this pages. I put all this shit aside and move on, eventhough its fucking impossible. I push myself forward. Just that here. I become vulnerable. I let myself be human. As much as I hate to admit this, but you made me remember that I am a human. It's okay to be this weak & not strong all the time. That is what good I can see.

You know how fate is making it impossible for me ? Well coincidence. The person who is everywhere, keep reminding me of you. He resembles you. You think I'm happy hearing the songs? No. But thats the closest I can get to you.

'So why are we here, talking to each other again?'

I've been repeating this song again and again. It's like a day without this song. I don't feel erm.. complete is not the word. But it reminds me to look at myself again and again. I love this song. I am not a big fan of Lil Wayne but this songs touched me. I think he got this idea from Michael Jackson's 'Man in the Mirror' since he mentioned that in the lyrics. Bruno Mars is in this song too. My goodness he's on every song. Everywhere. I don't hate him. I don't know why I sorta dislike him. Maybe he's overrated to me. Thank God he's talented. So yeah. I don't think this song can be your favourite song, but it can be mine. I like the sort of song that reminds me who I am.

Mirror - Lil Wayne feat. Bruno Mars

Monday, March 26, 2012

Drive

If I have the chance, I feel like running away to the nearest place with a beach or escape with nature and just be there and breathe. I want to be able to breathe. Something is bothering this feeling and heart. Healing takes all the time in the world. But you never know when you'll get better. one point you just don't care. The other, you start to feel back all the pain. But you can't figure out what. I just wanna find myself and just be with me.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

'of fireworks and dancing flames'

Mother asked me :
"How is he? Any updates?"

I ignored then she asked again. I later replied
"Ibu, I have no time for that. It's stupid. Don't ask about him dah. I don't want people who don't want me"

and I let truth spilled through my mouth. Clearly. She started to portray a worried look. She cares, she knows somewhere I'm broken. I quickly replied
"Don't worry. I'm still young. He's not for me. There's still time. I choose not to wait. It's me not him"

She was still not satisfied with my answer. Well. I can't tell the truth I'm broken and the reality that he shattered every pieces in me. But I'm holding on. He's not for me. I accepted that fact. But mother just can't know the fact that I'm on the way to heal myself. I can manage. She knows. and I know my someone is on his way. Not him anymore. Someone new. For now, I'm not breaking. Nothing will break my soul

Thursday, March 22, 2012

'Not gonna break my soul'

I have this one anthem. Yes. Katy Perry. Despite the sparkling. I adore how she can still smile despite the fact that she's down somewhere. She keeps others believe that nothing can make it fall down.
Plus she's hot. 
Yes. I bold that for a reason. Not just cause I like it.



You chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now

Now look at me


This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, 

No

 This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me

No

 Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows

But you’re not gonna break my soul

This is the part of me

That you’re never gonna ever take away from me

That obvious fact

I am not giving up on love. I don't. People keep loving something everyday. If it is not the partner, it is family, if it is not that, friends. If it is not then it's your teddy bear, or pet cat or hamster. That is love. I just decided to let go of the obvious. My friend said this, and am quoting.

" I don't need to advice the person of what he/she should do. It's the obvious fact. I will point it once, when he/she starts reasoning with his/her emotions. I'll shut up. It's their choice to take"

Points taken. Signal received. So lets start on a road filled with journey. I loveee being able to discover and learning things :) Made me feel like I wanna know myself even more. And despite the falls here and there. I am standing. Now that is inspiring.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Repeating

I am getting tired of saying this in my mind
'I miss you'
I ignored that. But it keeps on repeating in my head.
This is bullshit. When can I really say 'I miss you' but to someone else who really miss me instead? 

Between up and here.

Me and some other parts of me trying to figure out the reasons why, you keep on linger. But most part of me got tired of questioning it. So. Yeah. But I got bored with the fight between my mind and my heart. Funny when I think about it. We are right back where we started. Are we?

Monday, March 19, 2012

Something lingers

No matter how you try to forget. Something stays and lingers. You can't hate him. You can't hate yourself and definitely can't blame fate for that. I kept trying to draw my own smiles. Something isn't right. The heart knows. But like the usual. The brain refuse to listen. Being the stubborn mind and without emotions, the brain acts like it knows just what to feel. When the heart suffers. In silence.

Hello there

I decided to bring her back to life. She didn't deserve to be thrown away just like that. So words never did lie. But I guess some things change. Less lovely words. Less inspiring. I guess. How to inspire if I stopped find reasons to be inspired? Welcome back.