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A mind traveller. Pretty much an abstract and eccentric human being. But overall, a human panda who embraces food as a hobby.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Ramadhan oh Ramadhan

Syawal is tomorrow. 
Ramadhan will be ending very soon in less than 18 hours. I will cry my heart out when it ends.

Every year without fail. I will blog one post about the two people I grow up to love with. 
They filled my life for 19 years without fail. They shine my days from the day I was born till the end of their lives. Even my parents can't deny the fact that I'm closer to them than my parents. They know I was the  favourite. 
So it is true. Till the very present day, they know that fact. And they will always joke around with how I get everything I want, from comic books, toys, bicycles, and even baking cakes through magazine. Yes I just show them I want that cake, the next day. They will bake it for me. 

Two years has passed. Less than a year for another. I still cry despite the time that went by. For this matter. Time can never heal. The heart will always miss it for sure. Ramadhan is the closest I can get to them. Syawal starts, that means I lose them near me. My late grandfather passed away 2009, grandmother late 2010. It still hurts till this very second. It hurts to know they are not near. Ever since. I dislike Eid. Yes. Its my confession. Everytime 1st syawal arrives ever since. I dislike it. I lost the nice feeling of celebrating Raya Eid. Its the same as other days. But I start to love Ramadhan more than Syawal. I can feel em close during Ramadhan. Today is the last Ramadhan for this year. I found myself crying after sahur. 

Yesterday, my father, siblings and I went to visit the old house. It sucks. Big time. I had to hold back my tears. Imagine reminiscing every memories in the house without crying. Try that. If you're without feelings well. I guess you're a robot. I can't do that. I end up bringing back some old albums the old chap kept. He had this weird habit days before he passed away. He starts bringing out every albums, old pictures out of the room.When I asked him why, he said he felt like he wants to arrange everything. I ended up sitting next to him, reminiscing everything, he laughed next to me describing everything. I didn't know that was the last moment. If I knew, I would have sit longer, reminisce more. Last year, it was her turn, a month before he went away, she kept asking me to be close, and always try to make jokes. My grandma, is the type that loves me to crack up jokes for her, because she knows I learn from the best, none other than my grandpa. But she kept putting up that effort. of making jokes. Smiling with her few left teeth. I still laugh when I joke about that to her. I still remember the call that I had, the last call before she went away. I was on the phone talking to her from my campus. Mom asked me to call cause she doesn't want to open her eyes. Grandma was in the hospital. Doctor said she didn't give any response only  minor response. She barely talks. I was on the phone, crying, while asking her to open her eyes. Mom put the phone next to her ears. I told her to open her eyes, when she hears my voice. Mom, alhamdullilah, miraculously told me afterwards, with tears she said 

" Akak, tok wan buka mata bila dengar suara awak. Dia ingat awak kat sini la tu. Dia bukak mata banyak kali kak (Akak, Tok Wan opened her eyes when she heard your voice. She thought you were near and kept open it several times kak)"

Imagine how I feel on the other side of the line, at campus? I was crying but I held it back cause I don't want Mom to hear it. When I put down the phone. I cried. Cried as hard as I could. 

They will always be close. Time does not heal neither make me forget about em. Never. I will always cry. Just because I'm human. Just because I allow myself to miss them. This much. I am happy where they are now. Allah loves them more than I do. So they are somewhere safe and at peace alhamdullilah. All I can do left for them, is not to cry too much and be strong. Plus, pray for them always. I kept them close at heart. Always. To tell you the truth. Its not that I am denial. But I really do feel them close as if they are still alive. Back at their home. I even called the house months ago just cause I really thought they were there till there was no ring on the other side, I realized. I remembered actually, they were long gone. I feel them close. 
Ramadhan is ending soon.
Syawal is coming.

Dear Ramadhan. 
You've been good. You brought them close to me.
Now Syawal will take them away.
Dear Ramadhan. 
You let them come to me. 
Now tell them I miss them much.
Every years that comes by I will always await this month. 
It's hard to bid goodbye. It even rains the last day.
I was not crying alone. 

I miss both of you till this very second. Tok Ayah and Tok Wan. Irreplaceable. Al-Fatihah. 

p/s: When you're gone, the face I came to know is missing too. 

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