About Me

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A mind traveller. Pretty much an abstract and eccentric human being. But overall, a human panda who embraces food as a hobby.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Ramadhan oh Ramadhan

Syawal is tomorrow. 
Ramadhan will be ending very soon in less than 18 hours. I will cry my heart out when it ends.

Every year without fail. I will blog one post about the two people I grow up to love with. 
They filled my life for 19 years without fail. They shine my days from the day I was born till the end of their lives. Even my parents can't deny the fact that I'm closer to them than my parents. They know I was the  favourite. 
So it is true. Till the very present day, they know that fact. And they will always joke around with how I get everything I want, from comic books, toys, bicycles, and even baking cakes through magazine. Yes I just show them I want that cake, the next day. They will bake it for me. 

Two years has passed. Less than a year for another. I still cry despite the time that went by. For this matter. Time can never heal. The heart will always miss it for sure. Ramadhan is the closest I can get to them. Syawal starts, that means I lose them near me. My late grandfather passed away 2009, grandmother late 2010. It still hurts till this very second. It hurts to know they are not near. Ever since. I dislike Eid. Yes. Its my confession. Everytime 1st syawal arrives ever since. I dislike it. I lost the nice feeling of celebrating Raya Eid. Its the same as other days. But I start to love Ramadhan more than Syawal. I can feel em close during Ramadhan. Today is the last Ramadhan for this year. I found myself crying after sahur. 

Yesterday, my father, siblings and I went to visit the old house. It sucks. Big time. I had to hold back my tears. Imagine reminiscing every memories in the house without crying. Try that. If you're without feelings well. I guess you're a robot. I can't do that. I end up bringing back some old albums the old chap kept. He had this weird habit days before he passed away. He starts bringing out every albums, old pictures out of the room.When I asked him why, he said he felt like he wants to arrange everything. I ended up sitting next to him, reminiscing everything, he laughed next to me describing everything. I didn't know that was the last moment. If I knew, I would have sit longer, reminisce more. Last year, it was her turn, a month before he went away, she kept asking me to be close, and always try to make jokes. My grandma, is the type that loves me to crack up jokes for her, because she knows I learn from the best, none other than my grandpa. But she kept putting up that effort. of making jokes. Smiling with her few left teeth. I still laugh when I joke about that to her. I still remember the call that I had, the last call before she went away. I was on the phone talking to her from my campus. Mom asked me to call cause she doesn't want to open her eyes. Grandma was in the hospital. Doctor said she didn't give any response only  minor response. She barely talks. I was on the phone, crying, while asking her to open her eyes. Mom put the phone next to her ears. I told her to open her eyes, when she hears my voice. Mom, alhamdullilah, miraculously told me afterwards, with tears she said 

" Akak, tok wan buka mata bila dengar suara awak. Dia ingat awak kat sini la tu. Dia bukak mata banyak kali kak (Akak, Tok Wan opened her eyes when she heard your voice. She thought you were near and kept open it several times kak)"

Imagine how I feel on the other side of the line, at campus? I was crying but I held it back cause I don't want Mom to hear it. When I put down the phone. I cried. Cried as hard as I could. 

They will always be close. Time does not heal neither make me forget about em. Never. I will always cry. Just because I'm human. Just because I allow myself to miss them. This much. I am happy where they are now. Allah loves them more than I do. So they are somewhere safe and at peace alhamdullilah. All I can do left for them, is not to cry too much and be strong. Plus, pray for them always. I kept them close at heart. Always. To tell you the truth. Its not that I am denial. But I really do feel them close as if they are still alive. Back at their home. I even called the house months ago just cause I really thought they were there till there was no ring on the other side, I realized. I remembered actually, they were long gone. I feel them close. 
Ramadhan is ending soon.
Syawal is coming.

Dear Ramadhan. 
You've been good. You brought them close to me.
Now Syawal will take them away.
Dear Ramadhan. 
You let them come to me. 
Now tell them I miss them much.
Every years that comes by I will always await this month. 
It's hard to bid goodbye. It even rains the last day.
I was not crying alone. 

I miss both of you till this very second. Tok Ayah and Tok Wan. Irreplaceable. Al-Fatihah. 

p/s: When you're gone, the face I came to know is missing too. 

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Let me give up the feelings?
Because its pretty useless you know liking you here and while you on the other side. Well serupa maca buat bodoh. Haih. What nonsense am I tolerating la right now. I also don't know. No raya video from me I guess.  Sebab. I said so. There you go.

Heart to heart

I love the feeling when I think about you. The butterflies that I have when you say hello. I'm a fool when it comes to you. I love the fact that we're like almost there. I love the feeling when I'm around you and hearing your voice is my favourite song. But this feeling hurts me. When I don't know the way you really look at me. I hope your eyes see the way I do. Kau masih lagi miliki hati aku. Masih lagi. Boleh tak , wahai si pujangga, kalau awak turun dari atas tu, dan turun bersama saya ? or at least. Let some one else replace you? But you know I won't let that happen. In the end, I still want you.

So confused wanna ask you if you love me   
But I don't wanna seem so weak   
Maybe I've been California dreaming  
In this California king bed  
We're ten thousand miles apart


p/s: I miss our ramadhan moments. the closest I get to you

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Cinta Pasta

Masak apa ya hari ni?
Lets see.
Dia suka makan ayam masak merah. Lemak. Ouh yes! Pasta! He loves pasta.
Tapi alamak tak tahu pula. Tak pe bleh blaja.
Plus. I should bake something. He would love to have some desert.
 Okay. Now all the things are here lets start.

"I really don't know how to cook pasta :/ plus desserts pun kureng. Are you gonna hate me for that?" kata aku sambil buat muka risau
"Hate what? you ? Not knowing how to cook pasta?"tanya dia sambil melihat aku yg mengangguk2 tanda jawapan.
Dia pandang lama ke arah aku. Dia mula buat muka risau. Mengeluh.
Alamak apa plak ni. Takkan tak reti masak pun bleh kene reject? Aku tak reti masak pasta je. Lain okay. Tetibe dengar bunyi gelak tawa dia.
"Daaah kenapa you tetibe gelak?" tanya aku kepada dia.
"you lah! Tanya mcm tu. Adoi kelakar kelakar. Sakit perut adoi" gelak dia sambil cuba menahan lagi rasa ingin ketawa dia.
Disebabkan aku ni blur. Kadang-kadang jokes dia aku jarang dapat faham. So aku pun, sebab ada naluri keperempuanan skit. Termerajuk kat dia.
"I confuse. I tahu la I xreti masak. I'm sorry k. Cari lah minah italian. Should be okay for you" dia tersenyum
"Hey. Minah italian boleh ke masakkan I ayam masak merah? kuah lemak? nasi lemak ke cekodok ke? Boleh? Jap paling best. Yang pasti minah italian boleh ke buatkan I sambal belacan?" dia senyum sambil melihat aku mengeleng2kan kepala kepadanya.
"Haa tahu pun. I nak you. You masaklah apa boleh janji ada makanan. Pasta is one of my favourite food. One of. So that means there are gazillion other types of food I eat. Yang penting you cook for me food. Jangan bagi I maggi sudah. Tu I menangis" perli si dia sambil aku tesenyum ke arahnya.

"Assalamualaikum. sayang. kat mana tuh?"
"Waalaikumusalam. Kitchen dear. Am in the kitchen" dia datang ke dapur membawa groceries yg dia baru beli dari supermarket. Dia datang dekat pada aku lepastu menghidu bau yg ada.
"Sedapnyeeeww. masak pasta ek?" dia bertanya dengan nada dia yang bajet-bajet diri macam budak-budak comel.
"Yes! Just for you. I learn some. I'll make the best one for you." yep. hanya untuk dia aku jawap. 
Dia senyum "tahu ke? Jangan masam, masin, tawar sangat ok. I'm like CHEF Gordon Ramsay. Silap-silap you have to give me your apron, and walk out of this kitchen ma'am", 
aku memerli dia sambil tersenyum."I bagi apron kat you, then you masak bleh?" Dia kemudian memberi kucupan pada pipi ku dan memberitahu dia di ruang tamu, apa-apa panggil dan suruh berhati-hati. Kang terpotong apa-apa sia-sia je. Tapi masin mulut dia tak smpai 5 min dia kuar dari dapur, aku da bunyi

"Yang! Mai kejap. Bawak first aid kit skali"
He ran to me then terkejut tgk aku memegang jari yg berdarah. Tak teruk mana pun. Cuma luka kecil sahaja.
"sikit je. Can you please take the first aid kit?"
dia lari balik ke dapur dgn first aid kit. 
"Ya Allah, sayang ni bukan skit lah. Adoi. Come let me help you. Kenapa smpai macam nie? I told you careful kan? Baru je cakap. Baruuuuu sangat tadi i pesan. aish"
Aku diam. "It's just a small cut okay. Accidents happen."
"It's not. Stay still ok. Dah la no need to cook today. We buy food outside ok" 
aku pandang dia dan terus mencelah. "No I am gonna cook today. I said today is pasta u get pasta k."
"Can you stop being stubborn? You da luka nak masak apa lagi? Why masak pasta today is soo freaking important to u?" dia marah sambil merawat luka aku. Aku stress tengok dia lantas aku menjawab,
"Because you want pasta. I never had that chance yet. So I learned. Then I wanna cook it for u. I just wanna cook my husband's favourite food is that wrong?"
Aku mula menoleh ke arah lain. Aku mula terasa emosi. Aku nak masak pasta dia. Biar lah.
Dia tersenyum. Sekali lagi dia tertawa kecil.

"Sayang. Is this about the pasta food and the italian chick thingy? adoihai. Sayang sayang. look. You've been trying to give me the best of the best. I notice that. Sometimes you tried too hard. Don't. I love you just the way you are. With or without pasta. I will love my wife just the way you are. Not cause of your cooking skills. I'm not Gordon Ramsay. Look. I'll help you okay? Kita masak sama k?"
Aku senyum. Mengangguk tanda setuju.
Aku sedih. Aku melihat dia yang sudah habis membalut luka. "I'm sorry yang. Really. I guess. Its frustrating I don't know how to cook pasta for you. I just want you to be happy"
Dia menolong aku mengemas first aid kit dan kemudian dia datang tenung mukaku sangat dekat. Smpai bleh juling rasanya. Kemudian dia berbisik.
"Hey. I'm happy the moment I have you as my wife. Now, in the future, and forever. Insya Allah smpai ke syurga k sayang? Not cause of some pasta. I love you because of you. Stop trying too hard to flirt me. Zaman dulu bleh la sebab am handsome, segak, badan six packs haih. Susah nanti I lari" dia senyum sambil mengucup dahi ku. Aku tertawa melihat dia yang sentiasa menceriakan aku. 
Yes mungkin aku cuba memberikan yang terbaik sampai aku lupa. Dia sayang aku seadanya. Alhamdullilah. Jodoh kami sudah pun ditulis oleh Allah. Bukan kerana sbb aku tidak mahir memasak Pasta tapi kerana cinta yang hadir tidak kenal siapa kita. Cinta hadir dengan Izin-Nya.

"So are you gonna let me cook alone ? Or let Chef Ramsay here teach you? Ehem" Aku tertawa melihatnya dan memasak bersama dengan lelaki yang ku panggil suamiku.  

p/s : Cerita pendek ini tiada kaitan dengan yg hidup mahupun mati. Ini adalah rekaan semata2. thank u for reading! do give feedbacks :)

Sunday, August 21, 2011

'Trust in me, trust in me'

Last night you came
Looking at me 
From afar
Step by step you came nearer
But you distance yourself when you see me 
with the pasts
The first bid me goodbye
to have a happy ever after
The second came
telling me run after you
I turn to look
there you are
looking at me and making a move
I ran past the storm
I fell, but I stand up
then I called your name
You turned.
I spilled the words 
you hold me
you hold my hands
and you said you know
you know
you're waiting for me all this while
you smiled the sweetest smile
you told me 
'i'll be right beside you
no matter what'
and you told me
'just pray love. pray for us'
I cried and you wipe my tears away and hug me.
I opened my eyes to see you but all I see is me
holding the air.
Hugging nothing.
I woke up and searched
searched for something even I'm not sure
I lie back down
closing my eyes
this time. 
my tears are spent on the last pretense
And my tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in my defense.


p/s: my dreams are lying. please stop soothing this broken heart

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Trying to FIT IN or BE THE IN?

A topic from UNICEF Malaysia caught my eyes. 
Immediately reminds me of my high school moments to which I was taken back to my adolescent years.
Yeap sounds as if I'm old enough to say that but honestly am 21. 
Am an adult (yes I do accept the fact that I am old). My adolescent years will be my high school years. 

I saw the link where UNICEF Malaysia, wants us to reach out to the adolescence out there in order to create an awareness of what is actually going on. In other words, the reality to which teenagers this days are force to face in their everyday life without actually realizing that this can affect their future. What sort of problems am I talking about? 

#Depression
#Peer pressure
#Acts of violence - Be it either physchological, emotional, or sexual
#Unemployment
#Sexual orientation
#Drug or Alcohol abuse
(This is some of the examples that I took from UNICEF Malaysia stating about the problems that teenagers these days are facing)

on my side of the story. Throughout me growing up, I see the problems of where my friends (mostly) are under the problems of peer pressure and depression. I kept observing them even without me saying a word. When I talk about peer pressure. Its referring to them trying to fit in

You know that how in this modern days, don't lie to me when I ask you this
Blackberry and Iphones are cool right? If you answer no, then it's a lie. Even I said its cool. 

But tell me. What is so cool about this that to you, it's a MUST HAVE gadget, even though, you cannot afford it? Seriously, if you can't don't go have it. But teenagers at the age of 15 years old, owns a Blackberry. 
I started to own a handphone when I was 16! no kidding. 
I saw some of my friends who went through the hunger for a month or two. JUST BECAUSE. yes  I caps lock that intentionally, he spent his allowance for university JUST to buy a Blackberry. So that he can be the next 'cool' person that owns Blackberry. 

Please. You are suffering yourself. Just because of a thing that does not give you back an advantage 
(unless being popular gives you money) Well reality check no. It becomes a concern matter to me not even to adolescence but mainly the youth now. Imagine this, if my friends whom at the age of 19 and 20 years old who have this kind of peer pressure problem of trying to fit in. You think that adolescents might have this kind of problems? I say YES.

I remember back during my high school years, before Blackberry, iPhone or Facebook existed or become the cool thing. Holding big cash and owning high class Roxy or Quicksilver backpacks are called the cool things. Wearing high branded things, can lead you to be the next popular or cool people in school. When I went back to my high school, coming back as a senior, I know some juniors of mine, whom I still keep in contact. Hearing their conversation, of how they love having a blackberry is cool, being thin is cool, wanting to dye hair is cool. I went beserk! I kept silence and then I asked them

"Why the troublee of all this? What benefits can this bring to you guys?" they don't need a lot of words for that questions
"Sebab cool? (cause its cool?)"

That was their solid answer. And I tell you. Seeing their news feeds (my school juniors) and my brothers' (whom are in their high school years at the present time) friends, they were screaming at their facebook status 

"NAK BLACKBERRY!"
"EEEEEE cool Gila iPhone!"
"Uuuuu da pakai Ipad. hebat lah! Aku nak gak!"
"Weh cool gila kau. Nak bbm?"
'(Facebook status.....) 16 minutes ago via Blackberry/iPad/iPhone/iPod" 

The moment I saw that I was screaming

"EH APA NIE! 14 years old nak blackberry!? Are u freaking kidding me? My dad used that for business! What sort of business 14 years old do??"

And don't tell me, this peer pressure stops at high school. Like I said before, being in my undergraduate years right now, THIS problems still exists. Please guys. Hear this. 

Being cool, or trying to be acknowledge, is not by burning your money and going through hardships that you yourself don't want to go through (berlapar, puasalah apa lah) just to own a cool gadget and so that people can see you as the cool guys. It's not cool. N0T! cool when You! are the one who will be paying all the bills and credits for your BBM services. Unless you are a rich man's daughter or son then like Malays say "Suka hati kau lah" or other words, thats your problem. But if you know you can't afford. Act and think like you can't afford. 

You are asking me what sort of troubles that THEY will go through
here lemme list some
1. You misuse the money you have for things that are just wasting time
2. You are troubling yourself and your parents
3. You alienate yourself from society (don't LIE its the truth)
4. You are trying to hard to fit in till this small matter will be an issue to you when you start to realize that you cant cope up with your cool friends because you cant afford
5. When you hang around your cool friends, that feelings last only for a while, because honestly you still feel you are not apart of them
6. It might not happen now, but trying to be that IN thing when you cant afford it, in the future you get used to be that way, till, you have cool things, latest things, BUT your own electrical bill, phone bills PUN tak mampu nak bayar (can't even afford to pay that) This is a true story. I kid you not.
7. You might even start stealing. Desperately need money. This is true story too. Might not happen to you. But might happen to others.

It might not affect you now. But it will affect the way you think, and how you deal with your life in the future. I saw this happened to an adult now how trying so hard to fit in with his rich friends last time. He's suffering to be the cool one when honestly, he cant even afford to support his life and his phone bills.

You guys can do more with life. Those things bring you momentary happiness. Don't waste it. You are still young! You can do so much more! sports, adventure, having fun, meet new people who thinks you are cool because you are you and not because of your gadgets!

one day you will get those kind of things. Don't ask your parents like its buying ice cream. They need to pay something else too. And I want to reach out to the teenagers out there. Fitting in with 'friends' who think you are cool. Those are not true friends. They will leave you sooner or later. Find true friends that can help you. Find real friends that can hold you when you need support, help you when you fall, and cheer with you when you succeed. That, is one thing worth trying. Now that is what I call cool. ;)

So to teenagers out there, and even to my friends. This message goes out to everyone.
Dudes. Gadgets are gadgets. 
They get lame at one point.
Life? That is worth experience
Stop being a zombie with blackberry, iPhones and twitter k guys ? ;)

p/s: This is one long post. Plus my topic maybe has no direct point to what UNICEF said. but I acknowledge this as a social problem in my opinion. It's considered peer pressure when teens are trying very hard to fit in.

Mencari yang sempurna

Aduh mana pulak compact powder nie. Time macam nie la beg aku nak semak dengan macam-macam barang. Itu sebab lah aku malas nak ada handbag besar2 cmnie. 

"Kau, beg kau Mira. Aku tengok kau cari barang macam cari kat peti harta karun tahu? Jumpa tak?", bebel si Yana kawan aku. Dari tadi dia meneman sesi catch-up setelah sekian lama tak jumpa. Al-maklumlah semua dah kerja sekarang.

"Sabar Yana. Saboor. Aku pun tak paham kenapa aku simpan banyak barang dalam nie. Haa...jumpa..." terdiam aku seketika. Bersama buku catatan harian aku. Terselit sampul surat berserta alamat rumah aku. Aduhai. Sudah hampir terlupa aku. Terdiam sejenak. Aku ambil kad itu, dan memegangnya, "pun. Jumpa." Aku menyambung kata2 aku. Terpaku. Aku buka surat tu. Bukan aku tak pernah buka. Tapi melihat kad tu. Aku terdiam seketika. 

"Mira. Kau nie. Aku nak compact powder. Kau keluarkan kad kenapa la minah oi." keluh Yana. Tapi dia terdiam sesaat melihat raut wajah aku yang berubah. Aku masih terdiam dan membaca kad itu. Sambil tersenyum.

"Mira? Kau okay? Tu kad apa? Meh aku tengok kejap? Please", Minta Yana dengan nada yang baik dan ingin tahu. Aku senyum dan hulurkan dengan rasa berat hati.

Raut wajah Yana bertukar. Seolah-olah teringat sesuatu. "Eh, aku kenal lah nama nie. Ashraf... Ashraf.."

"Ashraf Zahim! Awak dengar tak? Penat la saya bebel dengan awak", Keluh aku setelah penat bertarung air liur membebel dekat si dia.

"Ye leeee sayang. Saya dengar. Apa menda yg tak dengarnye. You bebel satu restaurant leh dengar" perli Ashraf kepada aku. Dia tergelak sambil melihat dan melayan kerenah aku. Tak penat-penat dia setelah bertahun kenal, dia masih melayan kerenah aku. 

"Mulut you, I rasa selagi tak berbuih, you bebel je an...WEH WEH sakitlah. Adoi boleh tak jangan cubit-cubit?" sambil memegang tangannya yang baru dicubit oleh aku.

"Padan lah muka. Mulut I leh bebel. tangan leh cubit. Kesah pulak I you sakit?" sambil buat muka dan tergelak. Itu cara kami. Kasar tapi kami tahu itu gurau. Dia tersenyum dan melihat ke arah aku. Aku rasa sedih tiba-tiba. Raut wajah aku da berubah. Dia perasan. "You okay tak?" tanya Ashraf.

Aku diam. Aku tahu banyak kali aku cakap. Dia sampai da tak suka dengar. Tapi dia perlu tahu. "Hmm...Kalau kita tak ada jodoh. Be happy with whoever you're gonna be with okay?", Ashraf terus berubah. Raut muka dia dari senyum jadik risau. 

"oh. Haa. okay", itu je dia balas. 

"Paham kan? I serious tak berani janji. We've been through a lot. I'm happy with whatever we have. Tapi kalau jodoh tak tertulis. I just..." aku terdiam bila dia memotong aku berkata-kata. Dan Ashraf pula berkata "Dah la you. I serious tak suka dengar menda nie. I tahu k. Ada, ada la. I tak boleh paksa you. If da tak jadik. Tak apa la. Itu takdir kan. Kita terima je. I pun akan happy kalau you happy" Dia terdiam sambil menjawab dengan nada yang sedih.

"I'm really sorry you. I mmg sorry okay. I just tak reti nak cakap macam mana. I just don't want ... I pun macam... I.." Aku terdiam. Dah tak reti nak kata apa dah. Kalaulah dia tahu. Aku bertarung nak kekalkan segalanya. Tapi kalau takdir kata bukan. Takkan aku nak lawan. Aku sedih. Aku nak dia tahu aku sedih... tapi..

"Mira. Dah la ye. I faham. I faham. Kita cuba okay? Ha da lambat da nie. Jomlah. Kita gerak dulu." Aku terpaku. Aku tak abis cakap lagi nie. Dia memang macam tu. Selalu lari bila aku nak kata-kata kan menda nie kat dia. Aku pun macam nak tak nak pergi. Masih duduk kat situ. Dia bergerak ke cashier membayar dinner kami. Aku diam. Termenung. Pedih hati bila benda macam ni melanda. Tapi dua dua hati kene tabah. Takdir dan jodoh bukan ketentuan kami. 

"Mira? Mira Razimi. Kau dengar tak nie? Kau nie memang kaki termenung ek" 
Aku kembali dari alam memori. Jauh betul aku pergi
"Haa. kau cakap apa tadi Yana? Sorry. Sorry. Melayang sat." 

Yana geleng kepala sambil membalas,"Alah. Kau. Selalu sangat melayang. Tak pe. Nie aku sebut. Ashraf Zahim. Tu dulu kau punya kan? Erm. sorry. He was apart of..." 
"Yep. Thats him." Aku membalas dengan cepat dan tersenyum
"Wahh. cantiknyeeee. Kad nie. Erm. Kau tak pergi ke?", Dia melihat kad itu sambil meneliti details yang ada. "Eh tapi da lepas la Mira. Kau pergi tak?"
Aku tersenyum. Aku keluarkan handphone aku dan mencari gallery di mana aku simpankan satu gambar, kemudian memberi Yana melihatnya.

"Wahh. Bahagianyee. Cantik gila diaorang. Sama-sama happy!" Yana gembira dan kemudian terdiam. Yana menoleh ke arah aku "Mira. Sorry. I'm sorry but you don't mind me saying that kan? Are you okay?"

Aku senyum. Senyum lebar. "I'm so happy. Very happy. Aku tangkap gambar tu masa diaorang bersanding. Aku pergi ngan Sham masa wedding tu. Dia teman aku. Dia pun kenal Ashraf kan. Saje tangkap. Tengok-tengok, eh sama padan. sama happy. Well. Itu jodoh dia alhamdullilah. Whatever that makes him happy, doubles the happiness I have for him", Aku tersenyum sambil menjawab. Muka gembira juga aku lemparkan ke arah Yana.

Yana terdiam. Dia kemudian datang dekat padaku, dan memeluk aku tanda memberi sokongan. Yana kemudian berkata, " Mira, you 're a very strong girl. The strongest friend I have. Am proud of you. Very proud. You did your best. I know both of you since college. You did the best decision. He's happy now. I bet you're happy that he's happy too kan?" Aku mengangguk. Tersenyum. 

"Dah la. Kau tak nangis aku plak touching-touching gini. Weh. Da la jom gerak. Minum kopi nie tak done la kan. Aku lapar. Cari kedai makan? Jom? " Pujuk Yana pada aku. Aku masih lagi senyum. 
"Yana, kau bayar kan dulu. Nah aku punya part. Nanti aku meet up kat luar. Aku kemas barang nie. Sepah seh." tak sempat aku nak toleh pada Yana dia da jalan. Eh minah nie. Sukati je. Aku nak bayar la. Aku geleng-geleng kepala dan mengeluh. Aku mula mengemas barang2 aku. Dan masukkan semula kad yang aku keluarkan. Aku membuka sekali lagi. Tertulis di kad itu.

'Walimatul Urus. 
Ashraf Zahim & Syakirin Rahmat.' 

Ayat-ayat itu sahaja yang aku lihat.  Aku tersenyum. Aku kemudian melihat gambar yang ada pada handphone aku. Aku lihat buat kali terakhir. Senyuman di muka Ashraf, senyuman yang aku ingin lihat. Dulu aku tak dapat ukir senyuman itu di wajahnya. Melihat dia tersenyum begitu di sisi wanita yang mencintainya. Aku begitu bersyukur. Syukur kerana dia telah temu jodohnya. Hati aku gembira melihat dia gembira. Aku kemudian delete gambar kahwin Ashraf. Aku terdiam, tersenyum dan akhirnya menitis juga air mata aku. 

"Mira. Jom?" Yana memanggil aku. Suruh gerak. Aku senyum dan lap air mata aku. 

Syukur Ya Allah kau temukan dia dengan jodohnya. Syukur Ya Allah. Dia gembira. Aku gembira. Sekarang aku mendoakan kebahagiaannya kekal sehingga ke akhir hayatnya. Aku tersenyum menuju ke arah Yana dan memajukan langkahku.

"Mira. Whatever happens. Just let it be okay? Takdir bukan dalam tangan kita. If you tak dapat nak sayang I nak buat macam mana. At least we try. In the future lets be happy and pray we'll be happy with whoever we will end up with okay?" Ashraf menyapa aku sambil berjalan menuju ke arah kereta. Aku memandang Ashraf dan mengangguk. Tanda memahami. 

Aku berkata pada Ashraf 
"Whatever happens. I'm happy to get to know you. I believe someone out there can love you so much more than me." 

Dan dia berjaya jumpa cintanya setelah 5 tahun kami berpisah arah. Tentunya takdir di tangan Allah. Aku bersyukur, Ashraf cinta pertama aku, menemui cinta sejatinya. There is always first in everything, but that first can't always be yours forever. Namun aku bahagia bila dia bahagia. Itu paling penting. Aku tersenyum berjalan bersama dengan Yana. Menyimpan memori yang aku ada. 

Cerita ini tiada kaitan dengan yang hidup mahupun mati. Ini adalah rekaan semata-mata. Terima kasih kepada yang sudi membaca ! Harap datang lagi dan beri feedback ! Thank you!
 

Monday, August 15, 2011

of my many blessings

This Ramadhan one can get many blessings as much as they want.
And during this month is where your prayers will be answered, Insya Allah.

Tapi tak semua yang mampu nampak kelebihan bulan ini. Ada yang mengambil kesempatan untuk tidak menyertai para muslimin dan muslimat untuk menunaikan Rukun Islam ke-tiga ini. 
Ada yang tidak tahu erti berpuasa. Buat-buat tidak tahu. Itu la sebenarnya. 
Kenapa sampai begitu? 
Mungkin erti malu tu sudah tidak ada dah. Mungkin kamu tak malu dengan rakan2 lain. Terang-terang bergurau dengan kawan2. 'jom la makan. Aku mana puasa' Mungkin kamu tidak malu dengan kawan. Tapi Allah? 

Saya tahu. Siapa saya untuk berkata-kata begini. Sedangkan zahirnya saya tidak mengenakan hijab dan tidak nampak 'alim' bagi kamu. 
Saya hanya manusia biasa. Masih lagi membaiki diri sendiri. Mendoakan yang terbaik tiap hari.
Saya masih lagi memperbaiki diri saya. Dan alhamdullilah. 
Dengan izin-Nya. Syukur. Semakin hari semakin dekat dengan-Nya. 
Semakin dirasa ketenangan di hati ini kerana berkat rahmat-Nya dan hidayah yang diberikan.
Zahirnya, saya tidak sempurna sebagai muslim tapi alhamdullilah. Tuhan pun tidak menilai saya. Kerana dia lebih memahami. Semakin hari semakin dekat. Insya Allah.

Baru tadi ternampak video 'Ini Kisahku- Wardina Saffiyah'. Melihat video itu, saya terus terfikir tentang manusia sekarang dan sebahagian kawan-kawan saya yang leka. Kadang2 kita tengok dan perhatikan mereka dengan berkata-kata pada diri kita.

"Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku. Jauhkanlah aku dari segala keburukan. Dekatkanlah aku dengan-Mu. Jangan kau larikan aku dari jalan yang benar"

No I am not trying to be goody two shoes here. Tapi itulah yang saya ucapkan tiap kali melihat Melayu yang meneguk minuman beralkohol dan pergi ke Jalan Heritage untuk enjoy. Saya pernah diajak untuk minum bersama. Dan pernah juga kawan saya itu kata dia tidak percaya saya tidak minum. Terkilan rasanya bila dia berkata begitu. Sebab, saya sangat menyayangi dan menghormati agama saya, tidak pernah pun saya ada niat untuk minum semua benda itu. Sedangkan mempunyai kawan yang bukan muslim sepanjang hidup saya, mereka pun tidak pernah mengajak saya minum bersama. Malah, mereka lebih menghormati saya dan agama saya. Inikan seorang melayu dan Islam bila ditanya, mengajak saya minum. Dan bila saya menolak. Katanya tidak percaya, hanya kerana saya pernah berbual dengannya tentang minuman itu dan saya tahu jenis2 minuman yang ada. Jujurnya. Saya tahu kerana saya tidak ingin ditipu. Saya tahu bukan kerana saya minum, tapi kerana perasaan ingin tahu keburukan yang ada. Supaya saya tidak mudah ditipu dan diperdaya.

For once, I hope, I don't see more of this. But this is reality. Banyak yang begitu. Dugaan kita adalah supaya kita lebih kuat dan tidak mudah terpesong. I am surely blessed. Being born and naturally am a Muslim. I embrace that fact. and Syukur that I am blessed that way. I pray every day. Every single day. I will be better. Slow steps towards good. Slow steps. Insya Allah

Terima kasih to the readers who reads till the end of this post. I am truly thankful that you want to read this. :)
Jangan segan2 datang sini lagi. Jika ada tersilap kata di mana2 maafkan saya. Ini hanya luahan hati dan pendapat pada post ini. 

Ini video Wardina Saffiyah. Ini Kisahku. Kalau tak keberatan tengoklah mari ! :)



p.s: Kita sedikit demi sedikit. Kita jadik lebih baik dlm perjalanan hidup kita.

This here is me

I think I should update about myself :) Been long since I did that huh?

# It's August! and Ramadhan. am fasting :) alhamdullilah. for now I'm healthy just that I'm down with a fever not so bad but am recovering. At least I don't have food poisoning like last year *Touch wood* no more hospital please*

# Since July I've been on holidays. yes 2 months. To be honest. Holidays that are too long is just. super boring. I worked in July for a week for an event. Before that. I went to a backpacking trip (first trip alone ever!) with my schoolmate, Aneth to Singapore. Indeed July filled my life :) with new experience and am blessed alhamdullilah.

# This Ramadhan and soon to come Syawal will be the first time our family gonna go through without my grandparents presence. It feels empty. We kept on reminiscing small things from their favourite food for berbuka and what will they say. First time. It's kinda lost. But they are at  a better place. I still miss them. Whichever year it is.

# Will be starting semester on 12th Sept. with 19 credit hours = 8 subjects. Yes you read it right. Eight. 8. Haih. It's heavy I know. But there's no easy way. I guess just go through with it. Nothing comes easy :)

# I am dreading September. My best friend is leaving me to further her studies in London. :( I feel sad. I've been with her since 13. that is like 8 years. Every year we will go out together without fail. Numerous time. I will miss her craziness. Fawn Kay Lim. I don't wanna say goodbye to you yet :(

# I'm torn between grasping my happiness and someone's else. I need to put myself first before others. I wish I can grasp my own happiness and not grasp someone's happiness and forgot to make myself happy. I've been doing that for years. God. Please make me happy. I pray for my happiness now. Not anyone else. I want to love myself and the person I wish to. Not forcing myself to love more than I can. Please hear me this once. I want my happiness.

okay enough for now.
i cant sleep. my body doesnt understand that am sick. Haih.
anyway. Happy Ramadhan everyone!

p/s: always always, make yourself happy and love yourself first.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

crapness again?

I miss me crapping.
I think I am trying to divert myself away again -.- Haiyah.
Let's find for a topic to crap shall we ? :D

Friday, August 12, 2011

Calling for Malaysian Trenchers!


Hey guys! :)
Remember I once blogged about marianas trench?
A band from Canada.
I posted some songs it was 'Beside you' and 'Good to You'
If there are Malaysian Fans of Marianas Trench
HEY good news trenchers!
Here is a twitter page just for us !
go search for @mtrenchMsia ! at twitter or just click that ;)
ALL THE UPDATES! of Marianas Trench are there. and If u wish to talk abt the band sure why not!
We're there to cheer u up with trench news and lets share the interest we have shall we!
There is yet a page for us. but once I know there is a number of us who wants it up on facebook.
Then why not!
:) So trenchers of Malaysia! Follow us at that twitter page! see ya !
pomegranate!



p/s: no this is not the song Marianas Trench by August Burns Red. This is THE MARIANAS TRENCH :D we're awesome like that ;)