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A mind traveller. Pretty much an abstract and eccentric human being. But overall, a human panda who embraces food as a hobby.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Reminisce the tears of love

It was 4.40pm on a Friday evening, 24th December. 
I was on my way back from campus. In the car with pet brother. 
We came back rushing to HUKM all the way in Cheras. 
It was an uneasy feeling. But I didn't think much till my phone rang. The 1 minute call changes everything.
and in there. I lost the last person that was with me for 20 years. The last person to my childhood memories. 
I lost my grandmother. 

I have grandparents that was with me all the time since I was small. For 19 years I was this spoiled granddaughter that they had. Being spoiled in a good way, because I was being pampered with everything from them, from toys, gifts, birthday or results celebration, and even their love. How can I not love them? They were there all the time. And it's funny that my parents are jealous cause my attention to them is more than to my parents. But they know why and I am guilty for that act :) 

But on May 20th 2009.
I lost my grandfather. The first loss that changes everything. I was crying because I never felt that lost before. I lost the joker in my life. The supporter. The man that made everything into smiles. The one that is proud of everything I did even if it meant me being extra annoying. :) It was devastating. It took me months to forget. But I didn't. Till now. I will always cry. I hate to talk about him. Not that I hate him. But I can't hold up my tears at all when he becomes any topic of any conversation. I dislike seeing the kids with their grandfather. I refuse to see that sight. Because it made me miss mine. Because the last sight I see of him is his last smile showing him that he is at peace forever, and leaving that sight for me to remember. 

24th December 2010, a day before Christmas
That this day, never meant a thing. but it did last year. I lost another person that always need my attention. No matter where I go. She always need me to call her, to ask her condition, to always massage her legs, to always come and visit her. yes she needs my attention alot cause she loves me being around her because I happen to be the joker she remembers of after my tok ayah went away. She always nag for me to study all the time, and kept reminding me how Tok Ayah always proud of me. She was the one that laugh to my jokes everytime. Every time. Eventhough it's not funny. :) But that day. I lost her. When I arrived at her bed in the ward. I was holding her hand. Late for 10 mins. I only managed to hold her hand cold, kiss her the last time before the nurse cleaned her up for the last time. I can't find my tears. Because I thought it wasn't real. Then the moment my aunty hugged me, it strikes. I lost her. I lost her forever. I lost both of em forever. and since then I lost my spirits of my childhood years. 

It may be normal to any of you reading this. But to me. It is hard to type this and not crying to every memory I am recalling. They were with me for 20 years of my life. They meant a lot. I think even if years passed by. I will never not cry thinking about them. I always force myself to forget. Not that I don't want to remember them at all. But I choose to always remember that they are never gone. I choose to remember they are near. and always with me. That they never leaved. Unfortunately, today I remembered they are not here. It hurts. But I choose to write this for them. For them whom I never forget. That sometimes remembering them might hurt. But in the same time, the memories are forever with me. Even if they're not here.

I wish both of you are by my side now. but I know Allah loves you more. I miss you Tok Ayah & Tok Wan. May you always rest in peace -Al-fatihah.

p/s: when you're gone i know that it means here comes goodbye forever.  

1 comment:

Not a girl, not yet a woman said...

Al-Fatihah. I know how you feel Kak Shaf. Stay strong ya.