About Me

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A mind traveller. Pretty much an abstract and eccentric human being. But overall, a human panda who embraces food as a hobby.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Reminisce the tears of love

It was 4.40pm on a Friday evening, 24th December. 
I was on my way back from campus. In the car with pet brother. 
We came back rushing to HUKM all the way in Cheras. 
It was an uneasy feeling. But I didn't think much till my phone rang. The 1 minute call changes everything.
and in there. I lost the last person that was with me for 20 years. The last person to my childhood memories. 
I lost my grandmother. 

I have grandparents that was with me all the time since I was small. For 19 years I was this spoiled granddaughter that they had. Being spoiled in a good way, because I was being pampered with everything from them, from toys, gifts, birthday or results celebration, and even their love. How can I not love them? They were there all the time. And it's funny that my parents are jealous cause my attention to them is more than to my parents. But they know why and I am guilty for that act :) 

But on May 20th 2009.
I lost my grandfather. The first loss that changes everything. I was crying because I never felt that lost before. I lost the joker in my life. The supporter. The man that made everything into smiles. The one that is proud of everything I did even if it meant me being extra annoying. :) It was devastating. It took me months to forget. But I didn't. Till now. I will always cry. I hate to talk about him. Not that I hate him. But I can't hold up my tears at all when he becomes any topic of any conversation. I dislike seeing the kids with their grandfather. I refuse to see that sight. Because it made me miss mine. Because the last sight I see of him is his last smile showing him that he is at peace forever, and leaving that sight for me to remember. 

24th December 2010, a day before Christmas
That this day, never meant a thing. but it did last year. I lost another person that always need my attention. No matter where I go. She always need me to call her, to ask her condition, to always massage her legs, to always come and visit her. yes she needs my attention alot cause she loves me being around her because I happen to be the joker she remembers of after my tok ayah went away. She always nag for me to study all the time, and kept reminding me how Tok Ayah always proud of me. She was the one that laugh to my jokes everytime. Every time. Eventhough it's not funny. :) But that day. I lost her. When I arrived at her bed in the ward. I was holding her hand. Late for 10 mins. I only managed to hold her hand cold, kiss her the last time before the nurse cleaned her up for the last time. I can't find my tears. Because I thought it wasn't real. Then the moment my aunty hugged me, it strikes. I lost her. I lost her forever. I lost both of em forever. and since then I lost my spirits of my childhood years. 

It may be normal to any of you reading this. But to me. It is hard to type this and not crying to every memory I am recalling. They were with me for 20 years of my life. They meant a lot. I think even if years passed by. I will never not cry thinking about them. I always force myself to forget. Not that I don't want to remember them at all. But I choose to always remember that they are never gone. I choose to remember they are near. and always with me. That they never leaved. Unfortunately, today I remembered they are not here. It hurts. But I choose to write this for them. For them whom I never forget. That sometimes remembering them might hurt. But in the same time, the memories are forever with me. Even if they're not here.

I wish both of you are by my side now. but I know Allah loves you more. I miss you Tok Ayah & Tok Wan. May you always rest in peace -Al-fatihah.

p/s: when you're gone i know that it means here comes goodbye forever.  

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Sunny rainy may

Hello everyone !

how is everyone ? :) I've been absent due to the fact that I am a lil busy and out of ideas to blog. Unless you guys wanna hear me blog about the 20th century and american literature :p Well I don't mind sharing it. But I need to have that vibe first. Anyways, I am currently, busy going through my short semester till end of June. So it's 20th century literature and american literature. Yikes. They say. But it's fun :) I love it. Guess you need to feel the passion then you can understand how I feel t
Then in July :D am off to Singapore with my very very good mate :) can't wait. Insya allah everything will go as plan.

For now, I wish you a bless day ahead and have a wonderful day :)

p.s: My condolences goes out to the guardians of the orphanage in Ulu Langat which the children became the victims of the landslides. May the children be blessed by Allah and my prayers goes out to them. Al-Fatihah.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

and I see you

I refuse to believe.
Even when its pointing somewhere. It is hurting me that I refuse to believe. 
It hurts me deeply that I failed to know what is real and what is pain.
Hopes used to be my will to live. 
But getting hurt many times. Lead me to believe sometimes pain comes first 
and stays. never move.

There was a story.
A b
oy came into a girl's life. Funny is, both of them never knew they will come into each other's life.
The girl never even bother for the boy's existance. Little did she know, he changed her views, her thoughts, her belief, her spirit, her smiles and her hopes.
They saw each other. In fact they still do.
Picture a boy and a girl. At a railway station. one is on one side, the other is at the opposite
They are basically at the same place only that, she has no idea how can she see him clearly.
She see him. Even  with all the trains passing by. She knows where he is. Her visions did not lie to her. 
Her mind did not. Her heart sense his presence. 
Nevertheless, she cries on her side because she will never know how the boy looks at her. 
Is he looking this way? 
Is he searching for me?
Is he smiling knowing that I am here?
Does he know?
Does he know?

She will never know. 
For now. 
She refuse to hurts herself. So she stayed. 
Stayed where she is.
now everywhere she goes. 
He sees the boy. 
Not knowing how he sees her.

She stops at every point she can. just to tell herself. It's okay.
She prays to be strong. 
She prays to never stop believing.
But if it hurts her one day. She will still move on.
If it doesn't. Then she hopes one day. 
She'll believe.
That she will see how he looks at her. 

p/s: i refuse to believe for now. whatever signs i see. my heart is just too scared.       

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mind numb

How is everyone? I blog less.
Because there is nothing much to talk about
I am currently busy bumming myself, eating. and so forth
Next week I'll be off starting my short semester. YEP. but this time fret not, (am i even using this word right?) well. My classes will be only on monday and wednesday :) From 9-5pm.
Subjects that I am taking?
American Literature 
and 20th Century & Contemporary Literature. 
Lets just hope I survive aye? So. thats very much it. I try to think of something to blog about. 

Sunday, May 1, 2011

The England's Rose

I grew up having the late Lady Diana coloured my television life. 
She was everywhere back then when I was small. 
As far as I remembered there was not a moment that I did not forget her. My family loved every single thing about her. We adore her big heart and her beauty. My aunt is a big fan. My grandfather and grandmother adore her and somehow wished she came to Malaysia. In that moment of growing up. I loved every single thing about her. I was imitating her smile, her laughter and dreamed of getting married with either Prince William or Prince Harry. Funny how you are small and you can imagine that far. :)

Nevertheless, she did inspired me, from the day I learn about the Princess of Wales and even till now. 
She touched my heart. I was apart of the witness along with billions of people around the world when the tragedy happened in 1997. Eventhough I was 7. I remembered it was early in the morning, I woke up seeing my family in front of the television where the news announced the tragedy. I watched the funeral. 
I cried. All of us cried. I cried cause I did not have the chance to see her up front. Rumour has it, at that time, Princess Diana was going to make a tour/visit to Malaysia. I was excited. God knows if my aunt was kidding, but I believed her. I want to meet her badly. She was my favourite princess in reality.
But I guess God loves her more. Her candle burn out long before. 

Today, Prince William married to his true love, Her Royal Highness, Catherine Middleton. He remembered his mother's advice that is  ' To hold on to a person you always loved and to never let go' It touched my heart how he took his mother's advice and the ceremony every part of it, made done as if Lady Diana was alive. Kate herself is so sweet knowing how William's mother was a major influence in his life, that she did everything in remembrance of her late mother-in-law. Blessed this couple so that they may live always in love :)

It was a beautiful wedding. A royal wedding. I am proud being able to witness this. :) For all I know I wish Lady Diana is still alive and is present on that empty chair that was reserved for her in the Westminster Abbey. 

 May their love lasts forever and forever happily ever after :)

RIP Lady Diana aka Princess Diana of Wales. The queen of our hearts.

p/s: The candle in the wind. Goodbye England's rose. Your candle burned out long before.