About Me

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A mind traveller. Pretty much an abstract and eccentric human being. But overall, a human panda who embraces food as a hobby.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Scribbbly scribs

I shifted to a new place to rant.


So yeah. I needed new papers. It's time to close this part of life and begin a new one.
I'll try to make it ever more interesting and less of....words.
Again. I said. I'll try.
Which...seems. Possible enough.

I'll see you guys on that other side of the words!


Monday, November 10, 2014

The Heart Does Want What it Wants.

Now Playing : The Heart Wants What It Wants - Selena Gomez
“When I was on, I was on stage and I was thinking of…I felt like I know, I know him though and I know his heart and I know what he wouldn’t do to hurt me. But I didn’t realize that feeling so confident, feeling so great about myself, and then it just be completely shattered by one thing, by something so stupid. But then you make me feel crazy, you make me feel like it’s my fault I was in pain.” - Selena Gomez
 You don't have to wait to be in her condition to feel so. It's one of those phase in life, all of us went through. The phase that scarred us, that leave us in the most darkest moment of our life. We had no one to turn around, because everyone just keep on shutting you out, and lashing out judgements and advices that seems so easy to them, but heartbreaking for us to do. The pain was with us, for us, and for us alone to feel. 

I really love her song, currently, I lost count on how many times I am repeating it. I love to hear the intro to her song, with her confession. It's so raw and so vulnerable. That instant, you know the song is not for commercial purpose, not that song that would just be there to make money, but it's a confession. It's like releasing that inner part of you to others.

The hardest part of being yourself, is when others look up to you cause you are this superwoman. When that vision is embedded to you, it is like you are not allowed to be vulnerable, to be human. You are not allowed to share a tear. You are not allowed to make mistakes. You are not allowed to fall. That, people, is the hardest part of living, when you are a superwoman to others, but really to your eyes and God, you are His slave and an imperfect human being. 

I have to say, I love this song of her. Well, it's not a grammy award winning type of song. But it definitely touch others in a personal aspect. It is more closely related to everyone who went through shits, in defending what they believe is right. My last words will be, it is always okay to be vulnerable, to be human, to be imperfect, to cry. It is okay. These words are the words I repeat to myself everytime, for countless of times, cause sometimes, even I forgot that I am no superwoman. 

Monday, September 22, 2014

Have faith. Always

You might be reading this. As I know there is a link to my blog at my Facebook. 

Yes I am staying. Yes I am putting my foot down and saying, I will stay right beside him. Where I did few years back, and so I will go on the next years to come. None will set us apart, unless God says so. For all the things you did, I thank you. I thank you for trying to reach out to me. I am blessed to know that God put down such calamity to both of us. The hardest by far, but only both of us know the struggle. The tears, the strength both of us put through. I still see in his eyes, this man who wanted to become better in every steps of the way. And he is asking me to walk along next to him. So I will. I made my choice long ago, and it wont change. 

None have the rights to judge others. It might seem petty to one, but it is everything to them. Today, I faced the hours with every part trying to break down, but I gain strength every time I recall the moments of me and him sharing laughters, even after we shared tears on what has come upon us. We even share the same imagination of picturing our future together with our children running around, as we see families that passed by us. It has always been our dream to build a family together, and we still will (insya Allah). 

There is pros and cons having a good memory. I remember so well how his eyes told me that he cares about us so much, even words can never explain as best as how he looked at me. That moment I knew, the calamity came to us for a reason. But it kills to know that I remember so well how the pain hurts. Alhamdullilah, I am not alone, as I know, it is hard for him too. We are holding hands together, walking towards the moment we will be one. 

I realized that I kept complaining and get frustrated when I see my friends wed off so easily, whilst I am struggling here. I have no right to do so. Judging them, and saying they are lucky, but only they and God knows what hell they had to go through just to be husband and wife. But, I am thankful this came before we are married. God loves those who keep Him in their daily lives. I told Him many times to look over the both of us. And He did, part of this test is to keep us prepared for the real life of marriage. Not once have I thought this is a curse. Funny thing is, today, everytime I felt like breaking down, randomly, I saw surahs/hadiths/advices that told me He tested us for a reason. Have faith. Wallahi, I cried. Because He listens to the whispers in my heart. I felt bad for being weak too fast. But I realize now. He is always with you. He needs not wait for you to tell Him. He knows. 
"No hardship strikes except by the permission of Allah. And whoever believes in Allah- He will guide his heart." [Surat al-Taghaabun: 11]

A Reflection: Hardship does not befall you except that Allah knows that you can handle it. If you show Him contentment, He will expedite His relief. (Quran Weekly FB Page)
God equipped you well enough before sending the calamity your way.(Mohamed Zeyara's)  
So, here I am, standing still, right where I was before and not moving. I will be by his side till whenever He allows me to. I am no superhero. I agree. I feel the pain. But this pain, will worth the fight to a win that both of us will treasure. 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Robin Williams and Depression

One of America's funniest, witty and brilliant man in comedy. He brought endless memories especially to the children coming from the 80s and 90s. Even adults love him for his talents. He didn't only bring funny but also emotional, strong and inspirational characters through his movies. Yesterday, was a day of tragic loss to the world of comedy. I don't idolize him, but when I see or hear Robin Williams, I can imagine a smile through my face forming immediately. I adore him for his roles in Aladdin, Mrs Doubtfire, Jumanji, Patch Adams, and Whose Line Is It Anyway (one of the best episodes with Robin in it, cause I was laughing throughout) will cross through my mind. It saddens me so much, to know that he ended his life away due to depression.

Depression is a serious matter. It is in no way similar to PMS (really it's not funny to relate it with this), or any normal stress level. It's the state where you just struggle to stay alive. You are eating for the sake of energy. You smile just because you don't want people to keep asking why. You talk only when you need to. You meet people just so that you can search another reason to stay alive the next day. 

When in reality, all you want to do is hide away from people and stop feeling anything; sad, crying, happy, gloomy, tense. All you want to do is just to stop feeling, because you don't know what is going on, and you know you need help. You know. But you also know that the moment you try to open the door to people, they will judge you. They know it's ridiculous that YOU of all people (lets assume you are similar to Robin) the joy of joy, is having a problem. The moment you do open up, there will be sentence like 

"i think you are making a big deal out of this"  


"i think this isn't even an issue" 

and the most famous line,

"dude, someone else have even bigger problems than yours". 

These are some of the reason that people with depression hides away their pain, not realizing that it eats them up and kills them slowly, until one point their life just went away, even though they don't want to. It's not an easy battle. Definitely, the worse battle to strive living another day with these thoughts haunting you. It's shocking to know that maybe your happiest friend are the one facing depression, and you don't have a clue about it, because all you see is the outer part of them. Well, they can't afford to make themselves happy, so what they can do is to make others smile and not feel the same way they do. They are the people that understand the meaning of being at the lowest level of yourself, and they will try to help, eventhough you are a stranger. But they have forgotten how to help themselves. These people need help, but they have forgotten to ask for it because they are as scared as anybody are. 

How do I know all of these? 
Because I faced it too. I am one of these people. But I am thankful and grateful to God, I have guidance in every way to breathe another day thinking about the very things that life has to offer. Though I will not lie when I say, I do need help here and there and still walking a slow pace. It's not a bad disease, nobody ask for it, as all of us are human, there is so much one can take. 

Here I stand, to tell you, humans live to coexists. Nobody wants to be alone and can afford to be alone. Remember after today, to look at your side, look at your friend and tell him/her that you are there for all that matters. Tell em your shoulders are there to lean on, your ears are there to listen and you are there to walk with them, eventhough you have no idea what they are going through, but when they are ready, you are there to walk with them to rediscover the world in a better place. You have no idea how that support might just save a life. 

Dear Robin Williams, 
You taught us much. You also raised an awareness on depression.
Your life ends, but I know in the future, people will remember to save other's life through words of support, joy and happiness.
You will be missed. 
You're free now Genie.